Listening and Hearing

I LOVE horses.  Everything about being in the presence of a horse is soothing and energizing to me.  Almost everything, cleaning the stalls, picking the feet, grooming, riding, the smell of the barn, ok not the price.  It is the one thing I wish for more money for….. to ride.

My girls know that their mama loves horses.  They have pointed them out to me from time to time.  They have looked at pictures of me with horses, and they have made passing comments in context about possibly wanting to hang out with a horse “sometime in the future.”  The beauty of time, bonding, attaching, and wanting to be and do ALL things mom, my girls had declared they too LOVED horses.  It made me smile, it warmed my heart, it reminded me that they are LISTENING to everything I say.  In addition to the desire to be all things mom, an increase in language has made finding things we can connect over that much easier.  

Of course with the declaration that they too LOVED horses I capitalized on an opportunity that we had to hang out as a family with horses.  Of course we talked about what to expect and they raised their eyebrows at their crazy mom who regresses in age and becomes extremely giddy about spending time with horses.  We laughed, they laughed and then the day arrived. 

We arrived at the barn and the girls were each matched with a volunteer, sized for helmets, learned about how to greet a horse and the tools used for grooming, and finally got a picture of the horse assigned to each girls  

Julissa quickly declared that she hated horses and was not going to participate.  I HEARD what she was saying and I reflected it to her.  “Honey, I think you are feeling a little scared right now.” In my Julissa girls way she replied, “oh ma, I’m not scared this is just stupid.” Again, I reflected what I HEARD in her statement. (I’m scared and I don’t even know how to identify this feeling and surely you would not know what I feel.  If this is stupid I save face and, and, and.)  So I gently reflected again, sometimes when we are scared we think we don’t like things.  Its ok to feel a little scared or nervous.  I want to remind you that mom and dad would never bring you someplace that was not safe. I left it at that. 

We made our way to the horses and Johanna walked right into the stall, greeted her horse Squash and got down to business, her age, her experiences and her ability to trust us that these enormous creatures are gentle giants enable her to enjoy life.  

At the same time,  Julissa is just that much older, with experiences that make trusting a painful risk.  She began to use the word, “this is a little scary” or “I am scared, a little.” Then she agreed to stand at the door of the stall and watch me pick the feet, 

 she massaged the horse for 10 seconds and went back to watching as I groomed and chatted with her horse, Guinness.  She kept reminding me, “be careful mum, be careful.”  I assured her that I was and talked to her about each thing I was doing.  

By the time we were ready to lead the horse from the barn to the arena, she agreed to hold the end of the lead while I held close to the horse.  Half way to the arena I lagged behind and she was doing it on her own with her volunteer.  It was exciting to watch her develop a small sense of comfort with the horse and trust that she was safe.      

By the end of our two hours she made her horse a treat and gave him a hearty patting goodbye. 

 I LISTENED to my daughter’s words and HEARD what she needed.  She needed help connecting to the feeling scared, to be reminded that her mom and dad would not bring her someplace that was not safe, and to be given the opportunity to experience and reconcile her feelings and experiences.  It was BEAUTIFUL to watch and I was/am so proud of my girl. Another positive experience, another connection to feelings, another opportunity to trust and feel safe, another step on the journey of healing.

Hearing the message in our children's words is critical if we desire to be a safe place for our children to heal and grow.

WE LOVE YOU JULISSA GABRIELLA COREY!

Where Have We Been?

I began this blog with the desire and intention to blog honestly about the highs, the lows, the unknowns, and the unbelievable of the journey of adoption.  I wanted to share what I often found lacking in blogs.  HONESTY!  What to really expect, that it is not a happily ever after fairy tale.  That adoption is a result of great pain and loss from a first family/ birth family. Rather a young mom, an impoverished family, abuse and or neglect that leads to an adoption plan being made, it begins with loss.  Adoption is about redemption and that loss does not define any child/person.

My desire was/is to protect the privacy of each of our daughters stories, sharing that while hard, difficult, or overwhelming the journey may be at times, the growth, the healing, the blossoming of a child is such a privilege to share in.

Well, I got stuck.  I did not want to share one child’s journey that is one of struggle and resistance. I did not  NOT want to share another child’s story of thriving, growing, loving, and trusting. 

The unintended outcome… no blogging only occasional status updates sharing glimpses of great joy with our friends on Facebook.  Loving our children on each of their healing journeys looks very different. The needs are vastly different and we are respecting the privacy of the difficulties of adjusting to life in a family.

It has been very clear to me that as we share our triumphs and joy and photos of one, we say nothing about the other.  One loves pictures while the other will not allow pictures.  It is unsettling not to share.  I will say we are fighting for our daughter.  We are doing everything we can in our human power and with much prayer as we continue on this healing journey.  We are holding onto HOPE that the One who created our daughter in the womb and knows her by name, knows all of her pain, is faithful.  That she will one day know her value, that our fight for her is just a glimmer of God’s love for her.  She is a talented girl full of potential and we will continue to navigate with her and for her.  She is NOT forgotten. 

Encourage

Well seven months home came and went with no blog entry.  It is not what I intended, but there are lots of things that I intend and life happens in other ways.  We try so hard to anticipate needs and understand what behavior means to better meet their needs.  I find the face of deceit continuing to comfort others while our reality is isolating at times.

If you follow this blog and you are a friend or family member of a family who has adopted, I would love to encourage you! If you are an adoptive family, please feel free to share.

I/we.........

Encourage you to trust that your friend/family knows his/her child best and what they need.

Encourage you to trust that even if they are wrong in their choice that that heart is RIGHT for their child.

Encourage you to remember that your goal is to be part of the healing and growth for the child. 

Encourage you to forget time and remember that “first” are difficult and know no time.

Encourage you to remember that birthdays, anniversaries and holidays are HUGE milestones for children who are adopted. 

Encourage you to recognize your own needs and desires and what it might take to support the child.

Encourage you to RALLEY around the family in question and imagine the amount of stress the entire family is under.

Encourage you to pray, spend time with them, forgive the neglected emails, text, and voice mails or calls. 

Encourage you to call when you can and keep trying.  We need the contact.  The intensity of our lives does not always permit time for others.

Remember  ADOPTION is REDEMPTION .  It’s costly (time and money), exhausting (emotionally, mentally and physically), expensive (financially and personally), and outrageous (nothing you can plan for or prepare those you love for). Buying back lives costs so much. Whatever you may be experiencing is NOT personal.

As the holidays approach remember that they are often difficult for many people for many reasons.  Planning for the worst and hoping for the best is one way of doing business.  Using experiences and add in the emotions of what is holiday cheer for most, and creating a plan that offers the most opportunity for a child to be successful is another way.  How might you support a family this holiday season?

Post Placement

Imagine, giving birth to your child/ren and then after 6 months the pediatrician refers you to visit a “specialist.” A specialist you MUST pay for out of pocket, you have no choice but to open your home and the specialist comes and evaluates you, inquires with others, and then writes a report about your family.

Well this is essentially what happens when you chose to become a forever family through adoption.  It is really quite bizarre.  The pediatrician equals the governing bodies of adoption, the specialist is a social worker from an agency that works with families who adopt,  and does not take insurance.  We understand the technicalities of it in our heads and can even appreciate the protective factors that it offers, however our heads and our hearts do not meet on this issue.  I was surprised by the way I felt about the visit as I expected it as part of the adoption process.  I believe it is that knowing in our heads, and experiencing loving, and being on a journey of healing with our daughters that makes the heart’s response feel a bit invaded.  These girls are ours and to have the school fill out a paper that says how your children look at school, dress at school, how involved we are at school, how we discipline, look at our home and report out on how well we are doing feels, well ridiculous.  Families who birth children, of all races, religions, economic backgrounds and statuses are not required to show and tell all for grading.  Nothing will change that these girls are our daughters. In fact the social worker was highly complementary of our parenting and the skills we posses.  I am not looking to be flattered, I know in my heart what is happening and that is enough.  It is just not normal and it flies in the face of all that we and other parents who chose to adopt want for our children. 

As I processed these feelings and my responses to this awkwardness I decided to celebrate the growth and gift of each of our daughters. 

One is observed by the attending social worker coming home from school walking through the door singing and bouncing,  “Hi ma, how are you?” She places her bag in its spot, unpacks her lunch bag and puts the ice in the freezer and proceeds to run off to play.  She returns with her doll for some hugs and to tell me something and off she goes.  The other is observed, more reserved, on her best behavior, responding appropriately to an adult asking questions.  She tells me I am in her chair at the table and I offer her to sit on my lap. She tells me I am weird. 

We proceed to continue the “interview” the girls show their room and a few of their favorite things, leading us to the living area where we proceeded to chat a little more.  We were politely interrupted by a child,  “excuse me, excuse me, please talk in the kitchen, thank you.”  She had been waiting patiently for our conversation to end to continue her play and it just was not ending. 

The social worker, our pediatrian, school personnel and more have noted how happy and safe one child is.  She notes that another is so lucky to have us, that our understanding of her “behaviors” and the way we respond is best. 

I think about my child that is thriving, loving life, not conflicted at all about being part of a family or giving so freely  and appreciate the gift my other daughter gave to her as she provided her with a consistent caregiver, one that she did not have.  I appreciate the gifts of sisterhood and compassion.  I appreciate that my daughter gave from an empty place and fought for her and her sister.  The caring and fight allows one child to freely bond, attach, love and give without fear while the caring and fighting from an empty place resulted in fear and brokenness that takes much more time to heal than it did to create. My daughter is brave, courageous, strong, able and worth the awkward and invasive visits.  In her brokenness and fear she still gave such a gift to her sister.  The bond of sisterhood is deep, strong, and difficult to penetrate.

For my friends who have adopted, considering adoption, or even curious about adoption.  These crazy invasive evaluations satisfy others and I want to encourage you to use them as an opportunity to reflect on the gifts your child/ren have been to each other, you and the entire family unit.  I trust you will find it as refreshing as I have.  Thanking God for the beauty that continues to rise from ashes and the opportunities to see His glory.

J&J posing before church

J, J & cousin Hannah all dressed alike this summer

tia Sarah y Johanna w/ tio Levi's hat at Grampa Corey's farm

Julissa y Emersyn, one of the "equals"

I promise Ma, I don't love Saige.  Ok, daughter!

My girls with their twin cousins. "the equals"

Brewing for Awhile (It's raw, BEWARE)

Sharing honestly about older children adoption differences.

The school year is officially in full swing and we see visions of multiple meetings in our heads. Two schools, several teachers, administrators, and advocates.  English Language Learners (ELL) have very specific guidelines schools must follow to educate children at the same level of their peers.  Parents Place Pointers its a great resource.  We are learning as we go and advocating our hearts out.  My big sister is a teacher, she is compassionate, loving, nurturing, eager and wants more than anything to meet her little first graders right where they are at.  She works hard, spends her own money for supplies, takes pride in her classroom appearance, and she even has a stash for the marginalized.  I have known her to give out hats, mittens, coats, school bags, etc.  She does it quietly and is happy to care for the less fortunate.  She makes my heart smile.  Some days I wish we could pay her to stay home and homeschool our children.  THIS I KNOW........ I am not fit for this task.  I know my strengths and weaknesses, and my hat is off to mom's (mostly) who walk this journey.  I CAN NOT IMAGINE!  I digress, however, not all teachers or school districts have this level of commitment to ALL children.

We have experienced first hand both educationally and medically, professionals that discriminate because our daughters are not fluent in English.  We have heard it's too hard, well a translator can not help, it is because she does not speak english, we can't move her up with her class there are too many students.  Well it might be hard, that is not a reason to NOT try.  We are adults here and professionals.  Thank you!  Yes, there are protocols for how to use a translator for this, and this is not my profession but I know you should know this.  Thank you!  Your right she does not speak english but teachers trained and licensed for ELL are trained in instructing ELL students, you will just need to provide that/those individuals.  Thank you!  Class size does not equal retain my child who does not speak english, because your classes are too big.  I believe that is discrimination on a few levels and you would not want to answer for these statements.  Perhaps this is a contributing factor as to why your school is on monitor for not meeting standards.  I'm sure you will find space for her in one of your third grade classes.  Thank you!

So we have a child who understands she is not doing what her peers are doing and she is bored, stressed and alone in her ELL world.  We have contacted the teacher and counselors for support.  The response time is less than optimal.  We have another child who is using her status to pick and choose homework assignments and is asking us to tell certain teachers that she can't do it.

We have MULTIPLE advisers and evaluators on parenting our children.  None of whom I might add have called or shown up to our door to care for us or our daughters.  The journey of helping others who are broken and deeply wounded is not easy.  It's like hiking barefoot on broken glass. It is difficult.  It is draining.  Yet, we believe that broken and wounded children and adults matter to God and He cares for them and loves them more than any of us could ever imagine.  This is why we believe in walking this road.  It is not glamorous.  Yet we are confident that at the end of this part of the journey we will see the benefit for all of us.

Parenting our daughters has been compared by others as caring for infants.  Well, infants have no baggage, no wounds, no history.  They generally can be soothed, comforted, and their is the anticipation of the coos, the smiles, the sounds.  There is a give and take.  Others have attempted to assure us it is just teenage behavior, sure there is the chronological number in the equation and some similarities, however, having the 12 year history holds significant meaning.  When you are building trust and bonding, setting limits, it does not always look like other 12 year olds.  You look for opportunities to both teach and honor the desire to individualize.  Part of individuating is having a foundation that you glean from.

One thing we have been "fortunate" (using the term lightly) is that our daughters present well for the most part in public.  Ahh, the face of deceit and the comfort it brings others.

As a counselor, former  foster care/adoption professional, and adoptive mother, I/we have knowledge of development and social emotional needs.  We evaluate every situation/ before when possible, consider possible triggers, and after an unanticipated incident we evaluate, consider the triggers, and discuss what we could do better or different in the future.

Some have asked is this what you expected?  It makes me wonder what prompts that question? If the answer is yes then what?  If the answer is no, do we get a feel bad for you card.  I understand that people do not know the questions to ask.  If it is for their own interest that is fine, but we are not obligated to answer for their sake.

What we need is support as parents, our thoughts, our decisions honored and supported.  We do not need advice/counsel from a range of people.  It is NOT HELPFUL!  We need people on our journey who trust and care for us enough to support our parenting.  Our children are not here to make others feel warm fuzzies.  Although they were orphans and have not had material possessions, this does not change that they are human and they have wants and needs and we need to teach them the difference, as well as, how to manage material possessions.  We will never make up for the lost past or the history, but we do have to lay a foundation that helps and teaches them how to be successful now and in the future.  This takes time.

We appreciate that people support in their own ways.  That is nice. I want to encourage others who truly want to support another on their journey of any kind is to say, I don't know what to say.  I don't know what to do, BUT I want to do something that is supportive to you.  Supporting others is not about our own levels of comfort or feel goods.  HONESTY is the best way to go and the most supportive.

Giving BEYOND Giving…

WOW!  I continue to learn more about love, life, and God on this journey than I did in my first 34 years of life.

As I was driving down the road on Sunday afternoon, tears streaming down my face, feeling like I really MISSED some opportunities to essentially shine with my daughter, I remembered that during phase one of this journey I heard several times that the beginning of phase two, coming home with your child/ren is often a reflection of phase one of your journey.  I remembered thinking, please God, please no.  Although it has not been a replica, our beginning was nothing I could have, would have or thought of.  It was nothing short of a miracle and God sustained us as we journeyed through some difficult days.  We have come so far.  My daughter, our daughter has come so far.  I have gleamed insight and pieced pieces of a puzzle together that I never dreamed of.  We are bonding.  She is sharing with me and really does not like it when I am unhappy with her actions.  This is HUGE. The tears stopped and I remembered once again, that I was not on this journey alone, that I will be disappointed when I try to give on my own and hope that my expectations will be met.  SILLY ME!

My sister in law got married this weekend.  She got engaged just as we began what turned out to be 3 months of waiting to bring home the girls once we were officially matched.  I was so happy for her, I was able to help her a little and then we left for Peru and well I have probably talked to her on the phone 5 times since coming home. I wanted her day to be extra special, she had asked our girls to be part of her special day and although I knew just under 5 months home was a HUGE expectation, I wanted them both to pull it off.  I shared the risk, the bride was aware and fine, but ME, yes ME, I wanted it to be something more.  I wanted my daughter to give of herself and think of her tia (aunt).  I wanted her to be on her best behavior.  I know, I know, CRAZY!  In all honesty, she did an AMAZING job.  I think this is why I am needing GRACE, because I was really impatient and hard on her when she couldn’t focus on anyone other than herself.  Forget what I know, forget what I have done, my expectations got the best of me and I lost all sense of reality. 

On the ride home she let me know that I NEVER, yes never, do anything for her.  The timing could not have been worse.  I was exhausted emotionally and I had some other complicating factors weighing on my mind.  Once again, it became about me, and well, when I could not, are you ready? Reason with her, yup, I got really angry and told her I was not speaking to her.  When we arrived at our destination, it was not long before I could see she was trying to make small talk with me, be in my space and was just figuring out where she stood with me.  Good for her, this was a risk and although she too was emotionally spent, she spelled it out for me.  “Ma, I said you never do anything for me because at the wedding the whole time, you were helping my sister and everybody else and not me!” She confirmed what I had felt at one point getting ready.  That I should have brought someone with me to do the things I do and basically be her one on one.  She needed me and her selfish (appearance) behavior was more about her trying to get me to be with her, to give to her.  She felt very threatened as she watched me give to others during what I knew would be a stressful time for her.  She needed hand holding in order to give and I was expecting her to put her own needs aside and give.  What was I thinking?  Cleary, I was not.  The clarity I gained for a brief moment on Friday night, that it truly does take a village to raise a child, seemed to just be a passing thought and not something I needed to act on.

Thankful for grace, second chances, that it really isn't about me, FORGIVENESS!  That my daughter has words to communicate with me what she is experiencing and that I have the opportunity to look beyond reality and gleam wisdom into my daughters needs. Thankful that I am not only giving from myself, but that at the end of most days, I know that what I gave was beyond me.  This gives me so much hope and reassurance that God will provide when you follow His heart and care for the orphans.  

Well today, things are calm, lots of request for carrying, holding, hugging, and a child who is healing, a child who is bonding and attaching, and a young girl with so much potential.  Praying we spend our time wisely and prepare her well.  Will you join me?

Johanna dropped her flowers like it was her job.  So proud of her!

Julissa hamming it up.  She let her dad take this one photo.  Love her!

What can I say, this girl loves life.

Playing in front of the camera for her daddy.

Our photo with the tio Jack & tia Sarah.  Time ran out for me to do my hair and  accessories.

And, well, the closest we have come to a family of 4 photo and it is going on the wall.  

Four Months HOME..... tomorrow

Here it is the blog so many have waited for.  I will begin by saying I have started 4-5 posts.  I started.  I thought.  It felt personal. I did not want to risk exposing my girls in some of their most vulnerable times.  I did not want to portray reality on either side of the truth.  I stopped.  Repeat X 3 or 4.  I decided I would share when I was ready and could share not because well, people were waiting.  There I confessed.  Moving on.

Four months home and a lot has happened since I posted last.  The grieving, processing, reflecting and more have created a tighter bond, is building trust and continues to define our relationships as individuals, as siblings, as spouces and as a family. We have come so far.  We have come from a place that was full of fear for all of us, through the depths of grief to a place where we are thriving and not merely surviving.  Amazed at the beauty that is rising.

In May we celebrated Johanna’s 9^th birthday.  It was small, but fun.  It poured and poured and poured on her birthday.  She was DELIGHTED! Our worship leader from church was her guest of choice. The girls love Tim and are sure he is famous.

In June we finished up the school years and were pleased at the teacher’s reports of how impressed they were with the girls progress in just a short time.  The girls and I packed up and went to Maine to be with their cousins and family.  Ben joined us for a few extended weekends and we started seeing BIG changes.  The girls have gone from hanging out in the shallow end of the pool, holding on, to hand stands, swimming under water the length of the pool, diving, swimming to the bottom and having a great sense of confidence in the water!  It has been wonderful to watch them learn and grow.  Snorkle goggles bring a whole new element to learning to swim.  T

Ben served as pastor to a seasonal church in Maine for the month of July so we spent extended time with family.  We were blessed with some very reasonably priced tickets to Canobie Lake in Salem, NH.  What an AMAZING, UNBELIEVABLE day we had.  We went with no expectations and from walking around checking out the rides, to the girls going without a parent then to their own rides.  How fun to see our girls enjoy themselves on one of the hottest days of the summer.  We ended up being in the park for 9 hours.  CRAZY I know.  The girls went on multiple rides multiple times.  No lines make for even more fun.  Grammy joined us for the day. She can attest to the AMAZING day we had.  The girls were perfect and really excited about their day. 

After Canobie the girls and I returned to Maine for more time with their cousins.  This time was been monumental as they grew and embraced what it means to be part of a family.  I have laughed with my sisters as we have watched the relationships and level of comfort grow between the cousins.  The girls and boys pester one another, tattle, and then back to best buds in no time flat.

In the midst of these trips to Maine, Canobie Lake, meeting new people, and more we have been very pleased with both girl’s abilities and desires to transition, manage and cope.  We planned for transition time and upon our first return from Maine, the girls jumped out of the car and grabbed bags and unpacked and participated in settling in.  They never skipped a beat.  We have learned new things about both girls and where they require more support, what we might expect at various times, and how to best support them.  We have watched as they use their newly learned coping skills with us, others, and each other.  It is a gift to watch as they experience success when they use what they have learned.  You can almost see the click and the light insides their hearts and heads.

Julissa’s English is exploding.  She understands most everything in context and is incorporating new words into her vocabulary all the time.  We find ourselves commenting to one another when we hear them speaking to each other in English.  Johanna is beginning to settle in new ways and has begun processing aloud about the things she notices that are different or missing from Peru.  She is concerned about forgetting some words in Spanish. 

Johanna adores Saige and cares for her in every way.  Johanna had a difficult night one night and Saige visited with her two times in the night.  It is just so sweet to see the two of them.  Definitely melts my heart.  Julissa has come to a place where she finds herself forgetting to not like the dog and advocates that we not leave the dog behind when we leave.  Saige is fabulous with both of them. 

August means summer vacation is more than half over. We will continue to work on English formally and informally.  We will swim more, spend time with friends, and close out our summer with a BANG as both girls will be in Tia Sarah’s wedding.  We have their dresses and shoes and have talked a lot about what an honor it is to be in a wedding.

Sorry no photos.  Married to a photographer and he has all the photos on his Mac.  My computer died and I am using an old PC to do basic things.  Hoping he will post photos here soon. 

So many moments have occurred.  Much healing occurs in those moments.  So thankful to experience the high moments that sustain us in the pain of the low moments. Thankful for family and friends who have prayed for us, listened to us, encouraged us in our presence and in our absence. 

As we said goodbye to our pediatrician today, he shook our hands and looked us in the eyes and said, “this child I see gleaming today is a different child than I saw 3 months ago, SHE IS NEW!”