REALLY?

It is long, complicated and difficult to follow but I will summarize.  When we first learned that there was an issue with the birth certificate we were told by our agency that it would be fixed in about a week, then we were told that when the in country rep attempted to execute the plan, she learned it was more complex than she believed and she learned that the law, YES LAW, required a 10 day posting for the birth father with a number of other things that needed to be done to get the posting, including locations etc.  We then received an email which appeared to be going around this 10 day post.  We questioned over a week ago, no answer, other questions, no answers, and then at the close of business yesterday we received a call that the 10 day posting needed to happen. From there it gets really ridiculous.  Suddenly this is Peru's fault, we are a "middle of the road Peru family" other families have it much worse than us.  INTERESTING statement! 

So we know that we have a 10 day posting period, that is all we know.

My head and heart are not communicating at the moment.  It is hard  with this pattern/history of withholding information, broken promises, and other things that are concerning.  It is hard not to replay all the attempts to clarify or advocate for our daughters.  The HARDEST part is that our daughters are waiting for us and there is NOT.ONE.THING.I.CAN.DO for our daughters.  My HOPE is not in this agency or the country of Peru, I just don't understand.  We don't understand.  But, my head is trying to remind my heart of TRUTH... that God loves our daughters more than we ever could. 
UNCOMPREHENDABLE. I just witnessed this very truth from an incredible woman who endured 7 grueling court sessions in KZ, that included 2 trips and in the end will be 3 trips to bring home their 3 year old twins.  She never stopped believing that the outcome would be glorious.  Not ONCE!  I want faith like that, I want to have HOPE that is so strong, that during times like these I will not be moved. 

I am a work in progress.

The Diamond In The Rough

Today was the second date we were anticipating as the day we would FINALLY meet our daughters.  Not a whole lot to say. IT.DID.NOT.HAPPEN!

Sad. Numb. Angry. Tired, make that EXHAUSTED, all feelings and emotions I have experienced!  I am not giving up.  I am not apathetic toward my daughters, just parts of the process.  In fact our daughters have been an AMAZING encouragement to me in the process/waiting.

This week has been emotionally and spiritually challenging.  Another disappointment with the delay of being united with our daughters and the challenge of fully evaluating where I put my trust, where I put my hope, and how do I react when the outcome is not what I had desired/expected. 

I have been disappointed by many people on this journey.  I had expectations that others would join us on this journey and hang on for dear life.  I believed that paying lots of money for services would yield a positive outcome.  I dreamed of being with our daughters for Christmas. I hoped for things others were not capable of delivering. I believed. I hoped. I dreamed. I expected. What do I know about these things?  That when the outcome is not delivered, it equals GRIEF.  The natural and normal reaction to loss of ANY kind. No wonder I have experienced sadness, numbing, anger, fatigue and EXHAUSTION...... all words that grieving people experience.

This week has been rough, but I have sought to find the diamond in the rough.  That diamond is HOPE. I have been side tracked by placing my hope in humans, who ultimately fail us, including myself.  I have placed my hope in agencies to get the job done.  Not too much to ask, right? Wrong!  If this was true I would not be grieving a different, better, more.  Being in relationships, rather it is family, friends, churches or agencies equals expectations.  Any time there is a relationship there is an expectation and I lost sight, at times along the way, of the only One that will NOT fail me.  I have repeatedly been disappointed in this process by my own hopes, dreams and expectations. However, as I reflect on this journey, the one constant, the one thing that I have clung to, the only way I could experience peace and joy, has been my HOPE in my Creator.  The One that knit me in my mothers womb with purpose and plans. 

When the going got tough, I cried out and He carried me through the unknowns.  He faithfully met my/our every need . From connecting with others who were adopting, adopting from Peru, to strangers reaching out to us, all the way from Lima, Peru. to finding community (through an orphan) when we were barely hanging on.  We were matched with our daughters, the ultimate goal of this journey, and the journey has brought about great growth.  These needs were great and God knew what I/we needed and He provided in UNBELIEVABLE ways. But at times when the disappointments came, I held back, I took back the hope I had placed in Him, like He owed me one, like I was keeping score, like I was asking Him to prove himself once more, before I would grant Him the right to be the One to care for me.  What I see now is that as I held back and took back, I cheated myself.  I am done with the cheating, I am done with the disappointment, I am done with the take backs, I am done with the holding out on the One who has provided for our every need on this journey to our daughters.  2011 is the year.  I am saying, YES I BELIEVE God that You can do this.  That you can care for me, my HOPE is in YOU and YOU alone and I am not looking back!