Encourage

Well seven months home came and went with no blog entry.  It is not what I intended, but there are lots of things that I intend and life happens in other ways.  We try so hard to anticipate needs and understand what behavior means to better meet their needs.  I find the face of deceit continuing to comfort others while our reality is isolating at times.

If you follow this blog and you are a friend or family member of a family who has adopted, I would love to encourage you! If you are an adoptive family, please feel free to share.

I/we.........

Encourage you to trust that your friend/family knows his/her child best and what they need.

Encourage you to trust that even if they are wrong in their choice that that heart is RIGHT for their child.

Encourage you to remember that your goal is to be part of the healing and growth for the child. 

Encourage you to forget time and remember that “first” are difficult and know no time.

Encourage you to remember that birthdays, anniversaries and holidays are HUGE milestones for children who are adopted. 

Encourage you to recognize your own needs and desires and what it might take to support the child.

Encourage you to RALLEY around the family in question and imagine the amount of stress the entire family is under.

Encourage you to pray, spend time with them, forgive the neglected emails, text, and voice mails or calls. 

Encourage you to call when you can and keep trying.  We need the contact.  The intensity of our lives does not always permit time for others.

Remember  ADOPTION is REDEMPTION .  It’s costly (time and money), exhausting (emotionally, mentally and physically), expensive (financially and personally), and outrageous (nothing you can plan for or prepare those you love for). Buying back lives costs so much. Whatever you may be experiencing is NOT personal.

As the holidays approach remember that they are often difficult for many people for many reasons.  Planning for the worst and hoping for the best is one way of doing business.  Using experiences and add in the emotions of what is holiday cheer for most, and creating a plan that offers the most opportunity for a child to be successful is another way.  How might you support a family this holiday season?

Post Placement

Imagine, giving birth to your child/ren and then after 6 months the pediatrician refers you to visit a “specialist.” A specialist you MUST pay for out of pocket, you have no choice but to open your home and the specialist comes and evaluates you, inquires with others, and then writes a report about your family.

Well this is essentially what happens when you chose to become a forever family through adoption.  It is really quite bizarre.  The pediatrician equals the governing bodies of adoption, the specialist is a social worker from an agency that works with families who adopt,  and does not take insurance.  We understand the technicalities of it in our heads and can even appreciate the protective factors that it offers, however our heads and our hearts do not meet on this issue.  I was surprised by the way I felt about the visit as I expected it as part of the adoption process.  I believe it is that knowing in our heads, and experiencing loving, and being on a journey of healing with our daughters that makes the heart’s response feel a bit invaded.  These girls are ours and to have the school fill out a paper that says how your children look at school, dress at school, how involved we are at school, how we discipline, look at our home and report out on how well we are doing feels, well ridiculous.  Families who birth children, of all races, religions, economic backgrounds and statuses are not required to show and tell all for grading.  Nothing will change that these girls are our daughters. In fact the social worker was highly complementary of our parenting and the skills we posses.  I am not looking to be flattered, I know in my heart what is happening and that is enough.  It is just not normal and it flies in the face of all that we and other parents who chose to adopt want for our children. 

As I processed these feelings and my responses to this awkwardness I decided to celebrate the growth and gift of each of our daughters. 

One is observed by the attending social worker coming home from school walking through the door singing and bouncing,  “Hi ma, how are you?” She places her bag in its spot, unpacks her lunch bag and puts the ice in the freezer and proceeds to run off to play.  She returns with her doll for some hugs and to tell me something and off she goes.  The other is observed, more reserved, on her best behavior, responding appropriately to an adult asking questions.  She tells me I am in her chair at the table and I offer her to sit on my lap. She tells me I am weird. 

We proceed to continue the “interview” the girls show their room and a few of their favorite things, leading us to the living area where we proceeded to chat a little more.  We were politely interrupted by a child,  “excuse me, excuse me, please talk in the kitchen, thank you.”  She had been waiting patiently for our conversation to end to continue her play and it just was not ending. 

The social worker, our pediatrian, school personnel and more have noted how happy and safe one child is.  She notes that another is so lucky to have us, that our understanding of her “behaviors” and the way we respond is best. 

I think about my child that is thriving, loving life, not conflicted at all about being part of a family or giving so freely  and appreciate the gift my other daughter gave to her as she provided her with a consistent caregiver, one that she did not have.  I appreciate the gifts of sisterhood and compassion.  I appreciate that my daughter gave from an empty place and fought for her and her sister.  The caring and fight allows one child to freely bond, attach, love and give without fear while the caring and fighting from an empty place resulted in fear and brokenness that takes much more time to heal than it did to create. My daughter is brave, courageous, strong, able and worth the awkward and invasive visits.  In her brokenness and fear she still gave such a gift to her sister.  The bond of sisterhood is deep, strong, and difficult to penetrate.

For my friends who have adopted, considering adoption, or even curious about adoption.  These crazy invasive evaluations satisfy others and I want to encourage you to use them as an opportunity to reflect on the gifts your child/ren have been to each other, you and the entire family unit.  I trust you will find it as refreshing as I have.  Thanking God for the beauty that continues to rise from ashes and the opportunities to see His glory.

J&J posing before church

J, J & cousin Hannah all dressed alike this summer

tia Sarah y Johanna w/ tio Levi's hat at Grampa Corey's farm

Julissa y Emersyn, one of the "equals"

I promise Ma, I don't love Saige.  Ok, daughter!

My girls with their twin cousins. "the equals"

Brewing for Awhile (It's raw, BEWARE)

Sharing honestly about older children adoption differences.

The school year is officially in full swing and we see visions of multiple meetings in our heads. Two schools, several teachers, administrators, and advocates.  English Language Learners (ELL) have very specific guidelines schools must follow to educate children at the same level of their peers.  Parents Place Pointers its a great resource.  We are learning as we go and advocating our hearts out.  My big sister is a teacher, she is compassionate, loving, nurturing, eager and wants more than anything to meet her little first graders right where they are at.  She works hard, spends her own money for supplies, takes pride in her classroom appearance, and she even has a stash for the marginalized.  I have known her to give out hats, mittens, coats, school bags, etc.  She does it quietly and is happy to care for the less fortunate.  She makes my heart smile.  Some days I wish we could pay her to stay home and homeschool our children.  THIS I KNOW........ I am not fit for this task.  I know my strengths and weaknesses, and my hat is off to mom's (mostly) who walk this journey.  I CAN NOT IMAGINE!  I digress, however, not all teachers or school districts have this level of commitment to ALL children.

We have experienced first hand both educationally and medically, professionals that discriminate because our daughters are not fluent in English.  We have heard it's too hard, well a translator can not help, it is because she does not speak english, we can't move her up with her class there are too many students.  Well it might be hard, that is not a reason to NOT try.  We are adults here and professionals.  Thank you!  Yes, there are protocols for how to use a translator for this, and this is not my profession but I know you should know this.  Thank you!  Your right she does not speak english but teachers trained and licensed for ELL are trained in instructing ELL students, you will just need to provide that/those individuals.  Thank you!  Class size does not equal retain my child who does not speak english, because your classes are too big.  I believe that is discrimination on a few levels and you would not want to answer for these statements.  Perhaps this is a contributing factor as to why your school is on monitor for not meeting standards.  I'm sure you will find space for her in one of your third grade classes.  Thank you!

So we have a child who understands she is not doing what her peers are doing and she is bored, stressed and alone in her ELL world.  We have contacted the teacher and counselors for support.  The response time is less than optimal.  We have another child who is using her status to pick and choose homework assignments and is asking us to tell certain teachers that she can't do it.

We have MULTIPLE advisers and evaluators on parenting our children.  None of whom I might add have called or shown up to our door to care for us or our daughters.  The journey of helping others who are broken and deeply wounded is not easy.  It's like hiking barefoot on broken glass. It is difficult.  It is draining.  Yet, we believe that broken and wounded children and adults matter to God and He cares for them and loves them more than any of us could ever imagine.  This is why we believe in walking this road.  It is not glamorous.  Yet we are confident that at the end of this part of the journey we will see the benefit for all of us.

Parenting our daughters has been compared by others as caring for infants.  Well, infants have no baggage, no wounds, no history.  They generally can be soothed, comforted, and their is the anticipation of the coos, the smiles, the sounds.  There is a give and take.  Others have attempted to assure us it is just teenage behavior, sure there is the chronological number in the equation and some similarities, however, having the 12 year history holds significant meaning.  When you are building trust and bonding, setting limits, it does not always look like other 12 year olds.  You look for opportunities to both teach and honor the desire to individualize.  Part of individuating is having a foundation that you glean from.

One thing we have been "fortunate" (using the term lightly) is that our daughters present well for the most part in public.  Ahh, the face of deceit and the comfort it brings others.

As a counselor, former  foster care/adoption professional, and adoptive mother, I/we have knowledge of development and social emotional needs.  We evaluate every situation/ before when possible, consider possible triggers, and after an unanticipated incident we evaluate, consider the triggers, and discuss what we could do better or different in the future.

Some have asked is this what you expected?  It makes me wonder what prompts that question? If the answer is yes then what?  If the answer is no, do we get a feel bad for you card.  I understand that people do not know the questions to ask.  If it is for their own interest that is fine, but we are not obligated to answer for their sake.

What we need is support as parents, our thoughts, our decisions honored and supported.  We do not need advice/counsel from a range of people.  It is NOT HELPFUL!  We need people on our journey who trust and care for us enough to support our parenting.  Our children are not here to make others feel warm fuzzies.  Although they were orphans and have not had material possessions, this does not change that they are human and they have wants and needs and we need to teach them the difference, as well as, how to manage material possessions.  We will never make up for the lost past or the history, but we do have to lay a foundation that helps and teaches them how to be successful now and in the future.  This takes time.

We appreciate that people support in their own ways.  That is nice. I want to encourage others who truly want to support another on their journey of any kind is to say, I don't know what to say.  I don't know what to do, BUT I want to do something that is supportive to you.  Supporting others is not about our own levels of comfort or feel goods.  HONESTY is the best way to go and the most supportive.

Giving BEYOND Giving…

WOW!  I continue to learn more about love, life, and God on this journey than I did in my first 34 years of life.

As I was driving down the road on Sunday afternoon, tears streaming down my face, feeling like I really MISSED some opportunities to essentially shine with my daughter, I remembered that during phase one of this journey I heard several times that the beginning of phase two, coming home with your child/ren is often a reflection of phase one of your journey.  I remembered thinking, please God, please no.  Although it has not been a replica, our beginning was nothing I could have, would have or thought of.  It was nothing short of a miracle and God sustained us as we journeyed through some difficult days.  We have come so far.  My daughter, our daughter has come so far.  I have gleamed insight and pieced pieces of a puzzle together that I never dreamed of.  We are bonding.  She is sharing with me and really does not like it when I am unhappy with her actions.  This is HUGE. The tears stopped and I remembered once again, that I was not on this journey alone, that I will be disappointed when I try to give on my own and hope that my expectations will be met.  SILLY ME!

My sister in law got married this weekend.  She got engaged just as we began what turned out to be 3 months of waiting to bring home the girls once we were officially matched.  I was so happy for her, I was able to help her a little and then we left for Peru and well I have probably talked to her on the phone 5 times since coming home. I wanted her day to be extra special, she had asked our girls to be part of her special day and although I knew just under 5 months home was a HUGE expectation, I wanted them both to pull it off.  I shared the risk, the bride was aware and fine, but ME, yes ME, I wanted it to be something more.  I wanted my daughter to give of herself and think of her tia (aunt).  I wanted her to be on her best behavior.  I know, I know, CRAZY!  In all honesty, she did an AMAZING job.  I think this is why I am needing GRACE, because I was really impatient and hard on her when she couldn’t focus on anyone other than herself.  Forget what I know, forget what I have done, my expectations got the best of me and I lost all sense of reality. 

On the ride home she let me know that I NEVER, yes never, do anything for her.  The timing could not have been worse.  I was exhausted emotionally and I had some other complicating factors weighing on my mind.  Once again, it became about me, and well, when I could not, are you ready? Reason with her, yup, I got really angry and told her I was not speaking to her.  When we arrived at our destination, it was not long before I could see she was trying to make small talk with me, be in my space and was just figuring out where she stood with me.  Good for her, this was a risk and although she too was emotionally spent, she spelled it out for me.  “Ma, I said you never do anything for me because at the wedding the whole time, you were helping my sister and everybody else and not me!” She confirmed what I had felt at one point getting ready.  That I should have brought someone with me to do the things I do and basically be her one on one.  She needed me and her selfish (appearance) behavior was more about her trying to get me to be with her, to give to her.  She felt very threatened as she watched me give to others during what I knew would be a stressful time for her.  She needed hand holding in order to give and I was expecting her to put her own needs aside and give.  What was I thinking?  Cleary, I was not.  The clarity I gained for a brief moment on Friday night, that it truly does take a village to raise a child, seemed to just be a passing thought and not something I needed to act on.

Thankful for grace, second chances, that it really isn't about me, FORGIVENESS!  That my daughter has words to communicate with me what she is experiencing and that I have the opportunity to look beyond reality and gleam wisdom into my daughters needs. Thankful that I am not only giving from myself, but that at the end of most days, I know that what I gave was beyond me.  This gives me so much hope and reassurance that God will provide when you follow His heart and care for the orphans.  

Well today, things are calm, lots of request for carrying, holding, hugging, and a child who is healing, a child who is bonding and attaching, and a young girl with so much potential.  Praying we spend our time wisely and prepare her well.  Will you join me?

Johanna dropped her flowers like it was her job.  So proud of her!

Julissa hamming it up.  She let her dad take this one photo.  Love her!

What can I say, this girl loves life.

Playing in front of the camera for her daddy.

Our photo with the tio Jack & tia Sarah.  Time ran out for me to do my hair and  accessories.

And, well, the closest we have come to a family of 4 photo and it is going on the wall.  

Four Months HOME..... tomorrow

Here it is the blog so many have waited for.  I will begin by saying I have started 4-5 posts.  I started.  I thought.  It felt personal. I did not want to risk exposing my girls in some of their most vulnerable times.  I did not want to portray reality on either side of the truth.  I stopped.  Repeat X 3 or 4.  I decided I would share when I was ready and could share not because well, people were waiting.  There I confessed.  Moving on.

Four months home and a lot has happened since I posted last.  The grieving, processing, reflecting and more have created a tighter bond, is building trust and continues to define our relationships as individuals, as siblings, as spouces and as a family. We have come so far.  We have come from a place that was full of fear for all of us, through the depths of grief to a place where we are thriving and not merely surviving.  Amazed at the beauty that is rising.

In May we celebrated Johanna’s 9^th birthday.  It was small, but fun.  It poured and poured and poured on her birthday.  She was DELIGHTED! Our worship leader from church was her guest of choice. The girls love Tim and are sure he is famous.

In June we finished up the school years and were pleased at the teacher’s reports of how impressed they were with the girls progress in just a short time.  The girls and I packed up and went to Maine to be with their cousins and family.  Ben joined us for a few extended weekends and we started seeing BIG changes.  The girls have gone from hanging out in the shallow end of the pool, holding on, to hand stands, swimming under water the length of the pool, diving, swimming to the bottom and having a great sense of confidence in the water!  It has been wonderful to watch them learn and grow.  Snorkle goggles bring a whole new element to learning to swim.  T

Ben served as pastor to a seasonal church in Maine for the month of July so we spent extended time with family.  We were blessed with some very reasonably priced tickets to Canobie Lake in Salem, NH.  What an AMAZING, UNBELIEVABLE day we had.  We went with no expectations and from walking around checking out the rides, to the girls going without a parent then to their own rides.  How fun to see our girls enjoy themselves on one of the hottest days of the summer.  We ended up being in the park for 9 hours.  CRAZY I know.  The girls went on multiple rides multiple times.  No lines make for even more fun.  Grammy joined us for the day. She can attest to the AMAZING day we had.  The girls were perfect and really excited about their day. 

After Canobie the girls and I returned to Maine for more time with their cousins.  This time was been monumental as they grew and embraced what it means to be part of a family.  I have laughed with my sisters as we have watched the relationships and level of comfort grow between the cousins.  The girls and boys pester one another, tattle, and then back to best buds in no time flat.

In the midst of these trips to Maine, Canobie Lake, meeting new people, and more we have been very pleased with both girl’s abilities and desires to transition, manage and cope.  We planned for transition time and upon our first return from Maine, the girls jumped out of the car and grabbed bags and unpacked and participated in settling in.  They never skipped a beat.  We have learned new things about both girls and where they require more support, what we might expect at various times, and how to best support them.  We have watched as they use their newly learned coping skills with us, others, and each other.  It is a gift to watch as they experience success when they use what they have learned.  You can almost see the click and the light insides their hearts and heads.

Julissa’s English is exploding.  She understands most everything in context and is incorporating new words into her vocabulary all the time.  We find ourselves commenting to one another when we hear them speaking to each other in English.  Johanna is beginning to settle in new ways and has begun processing aloud about the things she notices that are different or missing from Peru.  She is concerned about forgetting some words in Spanish. 

Johanna adores Saige and cares for her in every way.  Johanna had a difficult night one night and Saige visited with her two times in the night.  It is just so sweet to see the two of them.  Definitely melts my heart.  Julissa has come to a place where she finds herself forgetting to not like the dog and advocates that we not leave the dog behind when we leave.  Saige is fabulous with both of them. 

August means summer vacation is more than half over. We will continue to work on English formally and informally.  We will swim more, spend time with friends, and close out our summer with a BANG as both girls will be in Tia Sarah’s wedding.  We have their dresses and shoes and have talked a lot about what an honor it is to be in a wedding.

Sorry no photos.  Married to a photographer and he has all the photos on his Mac.  My computer died and I am using an old PC to do basic things.  Hoping he will post photos here soon. 

So many moments have occurred.  Much healing occurs in those moments.  So thankful to experience the high moments that sustain us in the pain of the low moments. Thankful for family and friends who have prayed for us, listened to us, encouraged us in our presence and in our absence. 

As we said goodbye to our pediatrician today, he shook our hands and looked us in the eyes and said, “this child I see gleaming today is a different child than I saw 3 months ago, SHE IS NEW!”  

G-R-I-E-F Part ll

So I intended to follow up with part ll in a timely manner.  Yes you guessed it, some of the effects of grieving, like inability to focus, got in the way.  That's grief for you!

I want to acknowledge the kind comments, emails, etc that I received regarding this past post, and many others, but this last post in particular.  I share honestly and raw because it is consistent with my desire to encourage others to care for orphans in their distress, while sharing the unknowns and unexpected.  I want to help equip others and support others in their journeys.  This is very deliberate and thought out desire to encourage and promote the cause to defend the fatherless, even when it hurts or it is hard. 

As a clinician, Grief Recovery Specialist, adoptive mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend and more
I have encountered a number of events that have challenged me to take action and not hold on to myths that are in conflict with my natural state.  Adotpion is no different and I want to encourage others in their life journeys to take action in any area you might be grieving.

Grief Recovery is a fabulous institution/book about what grief is. HOW to RECOVER, and provides the framework in which to take these actions. Highlights the myths that time heals all pain, to grieve alone, to be brave/strong for others, to replace the loss, and keep busy, and don't feel bad.  more here.  I'll let you check it out.  I highly recommend it. 

Off to Take Action.......

G-R-I-E-F

What is GRIEF?  The normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.  There you have it, loss of any kind and its normal and natural! What's the loss some ask?  Let me share.  For the girls, their country, their friends, their caregivers, the orphanage, their school, life as they have known it for nearly six years. The loss of the dream of somebody, most often the mother or father coming for them. The loss of the biological family and the list goes on and on. "But they have so much more now", others say.  Defining more, better, different,  are all part of GRIEF too.  Adoption is a HUGE loss for children.  They don't always see, feel or experience the warm fuzzies others feel about the act of adoption.  In fact the GRIEF is so monumental that the reality of parents who love them, fought for them, exhausted every possible avenue for them, has no meaning.  The more in this case isn't what the ultimate wish was.  More does not fill the void of the loss of your biological family who abandoned you. More does not lessen the pain of the loss.  Better, yes they have parents, family,community, safety, security, and LOVE beyond measure and still the better does not lessen the pain of the losses.  Finally you have different.  Different is the desire or the dream for the outcome to be just what you waited, hoped and dreamed for.  Most of the time, different feels or appears attainable or realistic, yet different does not happen and the loss is still expereinced at 100%. Any time we have hopes, dreams and expectations left unrealized...... we GRIEVE!

Are you grieving?  Are you in a place of desiring different? Better? More? Chances are that you are given the fact that we GRIEVE over 40 various occurances in our lives from birth to marriage, to loss of a pet, job or loved one, to financial loss, you may be experiencing some level of GRIEF.  I know I am. 

We are GRIEVING.  Don't panic, don't worry, and please, please don't judge.  Remember, GRIEF is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.  What have we lost?  Well we went from just us, to just us with children.  That change is enough to grieve as we acclamate and adjust.  We talk about it and we may have even found ourselves mocking oursleves.  But we are grieving, the loss of the life we knew.  It is not bad, just different.  There you have it.  Different, different than what we were, what we knew.  Is it better?  Good thing that better is part of what you grieve because well, for better or worse, here we are and it does not change what we lost.  It's ok.  It's ok if you squirm with my honesty.  You waited so long and it was a painful journey, aren't you just glad you have them?  Good point and question.  Again, being with them represents the loss of what and who we were.  So there you have it again. Its normal and natural to grieve the loss of what was for better or worse, different, better or more. What I am realizing is that I/we spent alot of time preparing ourselves to have no expectations, that we did not really explore or give creedence to our hopes and dreams for our new life as a forever family.  Not bad, not sad, just honest.  What I/we are grieving are some of the hopes and dreams we had that are not, have not, and may never be realized.

What are some faces of GRIEF (look/feel like)?  Feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, anxiety, changes in appetite, sleeping problems, illness or other physical problems, disorganization, inability to concentrate or make decisions, or low energy.  These are just a few and no I am not feeling all of them.
  
What has to happen for the GRIEF to end? Well it is about taking action!  It is not about time. The actions I am taking are the beginning steps.  Discovering and completing what I have wished to be different, better, more and the broken hopes, dreams and expectations. I have known I was grieving and in fact I planned for it.  Yes, I planned for it even before we left.  WHY?  Well I am very aware of GRIEF and how it lurks and effects people.  I have read lots and lots of blogs and watched as women journeyed through adoption and wrote about someof the faces of grief, but NEVER named it.  Finally, it is normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind, even when its as B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L as adoption. 

So now that I have discovered that my grief is about broken hopes and dreams I will take action to complete the grief work.

How does one "complete" grief?   Next Post.

Easter Weekend

Easter Sunday will make it 3 weeks home and this Easter weekend I am experiencing and celebrating in a new way.  What a beautiful time to learn about love, forgiveness, and redemption.  What an amazing joy it is to know redemption and to be part of the journey of redemption. 

As we began to talk about Easter our Julissa began to share with us the things she knows about Jesus.  She is a bright girl and has a sensative spirit under what appears to be a hard exterior.  As we share I am reminded that the exterior I have experienced is becoming less and less as she reaches out to me and as I see her "work with me" in difficult moments.  The HOPE for healing, restoration and forgiveness that I see in my daughter's heart brings me to tears as I see that even after all she has expereinced she holds onto HOPE and FAITH in a God that loves her so much HE suffered much for us. 

Julissa and Ben talked about the movie Passion of the Christ.  Julissa has seen it, and it was clear that she had, by the details she provided for Ben.  She then asked if we could go and find the movie and watch it every year as a tradition.  Umm. Well. What do you say?  A child who has seen a movie about truth.  That is violent.  The truth of the price He paid was violent.  So we disclosed we had the movie and decided that we would allow her to watch it after dinner.  She arrived at the dinner table in her pajamas so that we would waste no time after dinner.  As I entered the living room with her popcorn, a napkin, and water with ice, she looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you Mama."  I have had a few quick I love you toos, but this was the first initiated by her. 

As many of you know our time in Peru was beyond difficult after our inital 4 days.  We spent 3+ weeks in what at times felt like we were drowning.  Sending emails to people begging for prayer.  Prayer for wisdom, peace, clarity, hope.  We experienced some scary moments, hours and days. I thought I didn't expect this to be comfortable or rewarding, BUT I NEVER dreamed or imagined it would be like this.  What have we done? What if this doesn't change? What if this is it? How will we do this?  As I questioned, prayed, processed in the midst of the turmoil and chaos, I had a peace in my heart that I could not deny.  I was reminded that we CHOSE to follow God's heart and care for the orphan.  That this was NOT AT ALL about ME!  Ben and I would remind each other of our core beliefs and conclude each time that God would give us the strength we needed each minute, each hour, each day, each week, each month.  That this is how we should live our lives anyway and that there we no promises of fun or feel goods.  I prayed to LOVE my daughters like He loved them. My love is limited and I although its ugly, I must admit my love is jaded by what I might get out of it.  God was faithful, through many prayers of others who joined us, to remind me and give me the patience to treat and love our daughters for the treasures they are to Him, with NO EXPECTATIONS of a return.  I tell you, I knew it.  I knew I was functioning beyond my limits as I literally cried out to God to use me to LOVE on these girl. 

In our two year plus long process I discovered a blog with a quote that spoke to me in many ways.  Derek Loux, (who was killed in a car accident on his way back home from a human trafficing conference) said this about adoption.  "My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."  This statement became intensely REAL!  “This is Redemption. It cost Him everything. And at the end of it all, I have nothing to give Him. He did it for me out of His love. This is redemption."



Johanna keeping Kiki (the dog that belongs to the family Tia Tarsha works for) contained.



On this morning Johanna spent lots of time cuddling.  Mama got some too.

The beauty here is that our daughters made gifts for Papa, Mama and Saige.  Saige happily wore her bracelet.

Julissa and I had a fun time at the salon.  Her first time at a salon.  She was visibly excited.  She exclaimed, I love mama's hair" At which time she expressed her desire to have the same hair cut.  A very special time of bonding for the two of us.

Today Julissa asked me to take this photo. 

She is warming up.  It is not everyday that I can capture a photo.

Living out the journey of redemption is not easy.  Our daughters have experienced so much pain and suffering.  So much loss.  So many lies.  They have survived by fighting.  Fighting to get their basics needs met.  They have lived their lives in a constant state of fear. Our daughters have not experienced relationships, unconditional love or trust. As we enter their lives we can not expect them to trust, love, appreciate, or respect us.  We need to keep them safe and demonstrate relationship, unconditional love, and how to trust. Over time (we have began to see glimpses) they will learn they dont have to fight to get their basic needs met.  They will learn the difference between needs and wants.  They will learn what love is.  They will learn to trust.  Until they learn and experience more, we will draw from our own experiences of redemption.  Easter weekend is a time to reflect, but through the gift of adoption I am reminded daily that loving others, serving others, giving to others, and rejoicing with others (with no expectation of a return) is the journey of Easter that we benefit from daily.

Beauty of Community

We had a great weekend.  We continue to see progress with both girls.  Remembering to stop and look at each interation/circumstance and CHOOSE to see how it evolved from a previous time is really important. Focusing on the gains made regardless of the level of difficulty of the interation.  I find that as I daily ask for wisdom, that I am given the patience to endure the difficult interactions and celebrate the gains.  If we do not celebrate the gains, well we will forever be waiting for the perfect children.  Those perfect children that NO family will ever have.  Perspective, it is a daily choice.

Our days, nights, and now 2 weeks home have been filled with LOVE from our communities.  What a BEAUTIFUL design community is when it happens.  We have been filled up with the love, commitment, prayers, meals, tokens, gifts in various forms, notes, emails, comments on our blog and more.  We are beyond grateful for the intentionality of others to pour into our daughters lives through us. 

Yesterday, we had a WELCOME HOME party at our church.  It was low key, with a wonderful spread and plenty of space.  Thank you Melissa and Teri (and Tarsha too) for planning this for our family.  We love our Life Community and extended church family. Thank you for your outpouring of love and prayers.  To have you all standing with us and reaching out to us, has been a HUGE answer to prayer.  God sure knew what He was doing and what we would need when we found this community. 

After the party the girls were not ready to say goodbye to their counsins.  Oh how they love their cousins and how their cousins love them.  My sweet niece and nephews have been ever present on our journey to their counsins.  They would ask when they saw us, Hannah and Liam would call for updates on when they were coming home.  To FINALLY have them home is a reality that they just can not get enough of.  Thank you Liam, Hannah, Isaac, and Drew for loving your cousins long before they were home and loving on them in ways only children can.  You are ALL AMAZING! 

So, after the party we moved to our home and well, quickly made our way to the Corey Families favorite place.  The BEACH!!!!  The tide was out as far as I have ever seen it.  Some of us had water boots, some of us had bare feet, while others of us were a little less prepared.  But the shoes on our feet, did not change the fun had by all.  Even Tio Ryan found himself turning over rocks for crabs and other creatures.  Isaac took the prize with his find of a REALLYBIG crab.  The screams, squeals, and screaches could be heard from a distant.  Isaac's excitement was appreaciated by all.  If you didn't know who found it, one might think they ALL found it.  Love to share the exitement and JOY the beach has brought our changing family for months.  The connection it has provided for our little family of four and the JOY of sharing it with loved ones. 

What Is Happening

Our week has been full.  Grampa Corey took us to the aquarium on Wednesday and it was great fun.  Thank you Grampa Corey and Michelle for the great day.

I find that as we are go along in our days things appear and feel "normal" and then we find ourselves suddenly thrust into a different world.  We attempt to go there, figure out whats happening, meet needs, teach, and learn.  These times zap our energy and well at times catch us off guard and we find oursleves looking back to see what happened. As I chat with friends who have journeyed before me I am encouraged to hear that this is not uncommon.  It is hard to share the rough times so publicly, yet I dont want to paint a picture that the road is always smooth. So some days good things happen and there are things to share, but the energy to write is nowhere to be found. With that said, we are making some great gains.

My daughters are warming up to me and my role as mama, caretaker, and provider.  This is helpful when times are tough.  Having a little bank of deposit to withdraw from makes regrouping from the tough moments a little easier.  Over the last 2 weeks we have watched the girls response change as they have had my undivided attention addressing their basic needs has been beneficial.

This week I had the opportunity to spend an hour in the pool with my big girl.  We spent the first half playing close to the stairs where she could touch the bottom and asked me to do demonstrate different things.  The second half she ventured out with me and allowed me to help her swim and touch the bottom where it was over her head.  This was great time for the two of us.  I received many kisses that evening.

So many things are first.  Cooking, having a dog, seeing the rain, a woman driving a car, leaving the house, new foods, having the phone to call papi from your room, swimming in an indoor pool, seeing the laundry wash and dry, so many things, at times we are not even aware.

Julissa is understanding more and more english everyday and she tries new words.  I am so proud of her.  She mimics me at random times and makes me laugh.  Like when she was ready to go and she blurts out clear as day, "Come on, come on Johanna, lets go!" I laughed right out loud and she was so proud of herself, she reached out and gave me a high five. Really, have I been caught saying this to two peruvian girls that require triple the time of their mother to prepare to leave the house? Perhaps. 

Tonight we skyped with Ernesto, the manger at Inka Frog who was so good to us.  He told us the staff has asked several times for us and asked how we are doing.  The girls were excited to chat with him and share whats going on here in the states.  It was great to hear them share with Ernesto.  We learned a few things.  Julissa reports the music at church is crazy!  Crazy good, not bad.  She went on to give him details, like one of the musicans is papi's friend.  Tim Reeder, your ability to play the guitar impresed our daughter and made sitting through a service in english worth coming back for.  We recognize it is so different than what they have been exposed to and in english. 

Back to church tomorrow and looking forward to our Welcome Home Fiesta in the afternoon. 

Thank you for the prayers, support, meals, notes, gifts of time, and acts of service.  We are so thankful for each one of you! 

Grampa Corey & Michelle

Today Grampa Corey and Michelle came to meet the grand daughters.  Thay arrived mid afternoon, visited for a little bit, then to check in at their hotel and came back for a quick dinner.  Both girls were eager to help me clean up from dinner to get us out of the house and to the hotel  it was time for us all to go to the hotel pool.  Nearly an hour and a half in the pool, playing monkey in the middle, swimming and trying out the hot tub.  It was great fun.  The girls enjoyed their time and were in no hurry to leave.  Grampa and Michelle appeared to be enjoying themselves as well.  I'll let you see for yourselves.



Monkey in the middle




Johanna showing her tue jokster self......



The hot tub was just too hot for Julissa



Grampa Corey & Michelle, thank you for your visit.  We had a great time tonight and are looking forward to our day tomorrow.

Having family come and visit and get to know the girls in a familiar place has been wonderful.  We live 1.5 to 3 hours away from our family but appreciate the effort and understanding of the importance of coming to the girls during this time.

We have enjoyed some great meals, snacks, and treats from gracious family and friends.  We can not say thank you enough for loving on our family! 

Sunday... Fun Day!

First I have to start by saying, the ways people have been loving on us has been amazing!  Tonight as I sat down to write a post, I received a very sweet email from my cousin Hillary.  She has followed our journey and noted that our collage needed updating with our girls.  She made our new collage.  Thank you Hillary for your sweet gift!

What a great day.  We went to church for the first time as a family of four. Ok, maybe 7.  Yesterday, we prepared the girls that we would be going to church today and they were concerned about the language and not knowing anybody else.  They promptly presented a solution.  Can Tia tarsha come with us?  Now thats an easy yes and it made them feel like they would know someone there.  It just so happens, my brother in law and sister wanted to cook for us, well really for the girls, and arrived just in time for us to bring along their counsins.  SCORE!  Win, win. The girls had a small support group for their first time at church, we came home to lunch, even better, Tio Matt made the girls their favorite rice AND Tio Levi made the trip down to see them.  What a great day!  We had a nice warm welcome from our church family whom we love and appreciate.

Watching our daughters become comfortable in their home and in their environment has been a daily gift. To watch them interact with family is another.  Tio Levi, is so tall and handsome.  His height is so amusing. Why, why, why, is Papi short, they are brothers? Additionally,  he is funny and his quietness is intriguing too.  Today he just picked Johanna up from her bed when she was working really hard at being mad about something.  In a moments notice she was giggling so hard over tio's shoulder she could barely catch her breath.  Tio Matt, well he is a really good cook and he loves with his food.  Tio has been waiting a long time to cook the girls some "conmfort food" and today he made them their favorite rice dish.  Oh how sad when moments after he left Julissa finished the leftovers adn was shocked that all that rice he made for her was gone!  What about the littlest counsin who "hams it up" for his new counsins.  Oh Liam, otherwise known as chicinando, makes them laughs, lets them carry him around, and teases them.  Love and laughter know NO verbal communication limits.  Just add the beach and you have One. Big. Happy. Family!   

The meals and food we have received have been so APPRECIATED!!!  THANK YOU! 

Off to bed, busy day tomorrow and on Tuesday the girls will meet in person, their Abuelo Corey.  We are very excited.  They have skyped with him and he even took his laptop out to the barn to show them all of his cows.  Johanna is ready to go work with the cows like Tia Sarah.  Oh how fun.... she will love it. 

More photos soon.

Time, Timelines, Days or Dates

WoW.... at times my world feels a bit surreal as I watch our daughters and listen to the awe and wonder in their voices as we go through our day. The beach is definitely a place of healing, learning, sharing, bonding and beauty! Today we went to the beach two times. Pa capiltolized on his daughters desire to understand his work and their desire to go to the beach. We compromised and said let's go today and take pictures, then Pa can show you what he does and then we can go again in the evening. Well let me tell you that our Peruvian princess who function on Peruvian timelines , momentarily acted like Americans and we left in record time.

Wearing a winter coat is really very awkward for most people. I imagine for my girls that this bulky thing I ask them to put on is much like it is for a baby. Confining and uncomfortable. The first day the concern was that it didn't match the pants and the confusion that "this shirt is too BIG. Off came all the upper body clothes and a child attempting to wear her winter coat like a shirt. With some explanation of Spanglish, signing, and at the tailed, Papi, I managed to get on a short sleeve white shirt under this "shirt". I called it good. This is how we spend our days.  Before I know it I am cleaning up from breakfast at lunch and still in my pajamas because, well, each task, each interaction, each activity of daily living has a life of it's own. We have no timelines, we know no days or dates.  For now all the time we have together, with no demands, is a gift.

So yes, I am in a winter coat all bundled up as I made another attempt for mother of the year.  I allowed my daughters to bring their coats to the beach in the car. Johanna didnt waste much time before she decided that in fact it was not mucho caliente. Back to the car to grab the coat. Julissa, well it's just not fashionable and she saves her coat for the nighttime visits to the beach.

My sensory seeking girl.  Circles, spinning, standing on her head, and more makes my girl HAPPY!

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I find it comforting to be at the beach with our daughters. There is a twinge as I see dogs and know that my girl Saige would so love to be there. I refocus and remember the importance of being in the moment. We are discovering one another in the simplicity and the beauty of the ocean. As it became apparent yesterday, it is mama and Johanna's thing to run down the beach singing run run... run run run, over and over again. She reaches for my hand and with the heavy roll of her R's and mama. I know exactly what my little girl wants. It doesn't get old. Finding ways and things we connect over and laugh.   Like when Johanna sees a dog and says, mama, Saige, triste (sad) and plops herself in the sand to watch for a few moments. Then joy of watching my big girl hold her Papi's hand and learn about the tide 2 times a day, and why it looks different every time we go to the beach. To see planes light up the sky and count, WOW! To walk on rocks, demonstrating safety, accepting an outstretched arm. There is healing taking place in our family. To watch, to learn, to grow, to learn to trust, to be on this journey is truly an honor.


There are things I would love to share, but again, I find it more important to honor my daughters and not share publicly all that is taking place. They are brave girls. They are taking risks and I could not be more proud of them. For these reasons I choose to honor their steps/attempts/risks.

So there you have it. Two daughters, one mama, and one papa on a journey of loving, learning, growing, trusting, bonding, on our journey of healing together.