G-R-I-E-F

What is GRIEF?  The normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.  There you have it, loss of any kind and its normal and natural! What's the loss some ask?  Let me share.  For the girls, their country, their friends, their caregivers, the orphanage, their school, life as they have known it for nearly six years. The loss of the dream of somebody, most often the mother or father coming for them. The loss of the biological family and the list goes on and on. "But they have so much more now", others say.  Defining more, better, different,  are all part of GRIEF too.  Adoption is a HUGE loss for children.  They don't always see, feel or experience the warm fuzzies others feel about the act of adoption.  In fact the GRIEF is so monumental that the reality of parents who love them, fought for them, exhausted every possible avenue for them, has no meaning.  The more in this case isn't what the ultimate wish was.  More does not fill the void of the loss of your biological family who abandoned you. More does not lessen the pain of the loss.  Better, yes they have parents, family,community, safety, security, and LOVE beyond measure and still the better does not lessen the pain of the losses.  Finally you have different.  Different is the desire or the dream for the outcome to be just what you waited, hoped and dreamed for.  Most of the time, different feels or appears attainable or realistic, yet different does not happen and the loss is still expereinced at 100%. Any time we have hopes, dreams and expectations left unrealized...... we GRIEVE!

Are you grieving?  Are you in a place of desiring different? Better? More? Chances are that you are given the fact that we GRIEVE over 40 various occurances in our lives from birth to marriage, to loss of a pet, job or loved one, to financial loss, you may be experiencing some level of GRIEF.  I know I am. 

We are GRIEVING.  Don't panic, don't worry, and please, please don't judge.  Remember, GRIEF is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.  What have we lost?  Well we went from just us, to just us with children.  That change is enough to grieve as we acclamate and adjust.  We talk about it and we may have even found ourselves mocking oursleves.  But we are grieving, the loss of the life we knew.  It is not bad, just different.  There you have it.  Different, different than what we were, what we knew.  Is it better?  Good thing that better is part of what you grieve because well, for better or worse, here we are and it does not change what we lost.  It's ok.  It's ok if you squirm with my honesty.  You waited so long and it was a painful journey, aren't you just glad you have them?  Good point and question.  Again, being with them represents the loss of what and who we were.  So there you have it again. Its normal and natural to grieve the loss of what was for better or worse, different, better or more. What I am realizing is that I/we spent alot of time preparing ourselves to have no expectations, that we did not really explore or give creedence to our hopes and dreams for our new life as a forever family.  Not bad, not sad, just honest.  What I/we are grieving are some of the hopes and dreams we had that are not, have not, and may never be realized.

What are some faces of GRIEF (look/feel like)?  Feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, anxiety, changes in appetite, sleeping problems, illness or other physical problems, disorganization, inability to concentrate or make decisions, or low energy.  These are just a few and no I am not feeling all of them.
  
What has to happen for the GRIEF to end? Well it is about taking action!  It is not about time. The actions I am taking are the beginning steps.  Discovering and completing what I have wished to be different, better, more and the broken hopes, dreams and expectations. I have known I was grieving and in fact I planned for it.  Yes, I planned for it even before we left.  WHY?  Well I am very aware of GRIEF and how it lurks and effects people.  I have read lots and lots of blogs and watched as women journeyed through adoption and wrote about someof the faces of grief, but NEVER named it.  Finally, it is normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind, even when its as B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L as adoption. 

So now that I have discovered that my grief is about broken hopes and dreams I will take action to complete the grief work.

How does one "complete" grief?   Next Post.

Easter Weekend

Easter Sunday will make it 3 weeks home and this Easter weekend I am experiencing and celebrating in a new way.  What a beautiful time to learn about love, forgiveness, and redemption.  What an amazing joy it is to know redemption and to be part of the journey of redemption. 

As we began to talk about Easter our Julissa began to share with us the things she knows about Jesus.  She is a bright girl and has a sensative spirit under what appears to be a hard exterior.  As we share I am reminded that the exterior I have experienced is becoming less and less as she reaches out to me and as I see her "work with me" in difficult moments.  The HOPE for healing, restoration and forgiveness that I see in my daughter's heart brings me to tears as I see that even after all she has expereinced she holds onto HOPE and FAITH in a God that loves her so much HE suffered much for us. 

Julissa and Ben talked about the movie Passion of the Christ.  Julissa has seen it, and it was clear that she had, by the details she provided for Ben.  She then asked if we could go and find the movie and watch it every year as a tradition.  Umm. Well. What do you say?  A child who has seen a movie about truth.  That is violent.  The truth of the price He paid was violent.  So we disclosed we had the movie and decided that we would allow her to watch it after dinner.  She arrived at the dinner table in her pajamas so that we would waste no time after dinner.  As I entered the living room with her popcorn, a napkin, and water with ice, she looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you Mama."  I have had a few quick I love you toos, but this was the first initiated by her. 

As many of you know our time in Peru was beyond difficult after our inital 4 days.  We spent 3+ weeks in what at times felt like we were drowning.  Sending emails to people begging for prayer.  Prayer for wisdom, peace, clarity, hope.  We experienced some scary moments, hours and days. I thought I didn't expect this to be comfortable or rewarding, BUT I NEVER dreamed or imagined it would be like this.  What have we done? What if this doesn't change? What if this is it? How will we do this?  As I questioned, prayed, processed in the midst of the turmoil and chaos, I had a peace in my heart that I could not deny.  I was reminded that we CHOSE to follow God's heart and care for the orphan.  That this was NOT AT ALL about ME!  Ben and I would remind each other of our core beliefs and conclude each time that God would give us the strength we needed each minute, each hour, each day, each week, each month.  That this is how we should live our lives anyway and that there we no promises of fun or feel goods.  I prayed to LOVE my daughters like He loved them. My love is limited and I although its ugly, I must admit my love is jaded by what I might get out of it.  God was faithful, through many prayers of others who joined us, to remind me and give me the patience to treat and love our daughters for the treasures they are to Him, with NO EXPECTATIONS of a return.  I tell you, I knew it.  I knew I was functioning beyond my limits as I literally cried out to God to use me to LOVE on these girl. 

In our two year plus long process I discovered a blog with a quote that spoke to me in many ways.  Derek Loux, (who was killed in a car accident on his way back home from a human trafficing conference) said this about adoption.  "My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."  This statement became intensely REAL!  “This is Redemption. It cost Him everything. And at the end of it all, I have nothing to give Him. He did it for me out of His love. This is redemption."



Johanna keeping Kiki (the dog that belongs to the family Tia Tarsha works for) contained.



On this morning Johanna spent lots of time cuddling.  Mama got some too.

The beauty here is that our daughters made gifts for Papa, Mama and Saige.  Saige happily wore her bracelet.

Julissa and I had a fun time at the salon.  Her first time at a salon.  She was visibly excited.  She exclaimed, I love mama's hair" At which time she expressed her desire to have the same hair cut.  A very special time of bonding for the two of us.

Today Julissa asked me to take this photo. 

She is warming up.  It is not everyday that I can capture a photo.

Living out the journey of redemption is not easy.  Our daughters have experienced so much pain and suffering.  So much loss.  So many lies.  They have survived by fighting.  Fighting to get their basics needs met.  They have lived their lives in a constant state of fear. Our daughters have not experienced relationships, unconditional love or trust. As we enter their lives we can not expect them to trust, love, appreciate, or respect us.  We need to keep them safe and demonstrate relationship, unconditional love, and how to trust. Over time (we have began to see glimpses) they will learn they dont have to fight to get their basic needs met.  They will learn the difference between needs and wants.  They will learn what love is.  They will learn to trust.  Until they learn and experience more, we will draw from our own experiences of redemption.  Easter weekend is a time to reflect, but through the gift of adoption I am reminded daily that loving others, serving others, giving to others, and rejoicing with others (with no expectation of a return) is the journey of Easter that we benefit from daily.

Beauty of Community

We had a great weekend.  We continue to see progress with both girls.  Remembering to stop and look at each interation/circumstance and CHOOSE to see how it evolved from a previous time is really important. Focusing on the gains made regardless of the level of difficulty of the interation.  I find that as I daily ask for wisdom, that I am given the patience to endure the difficult interactions and celebrate the gains.  If we do not celebrate the gains, well we will forever be waiting for the perfect children.  Those perfect children that NO family will ever have.  Perspective, it is a daily choice.

Our days, nights, and now 2 weeks home have been filled with LOVE from our communities.  What a BEAUTIFUL design community is when it happens.  We have been filled up with the love, commitment, prayers, meals, tokens, gifts in various forms, notes, emails, comments on our blog and more.  We are beyond grateful for the intentionality of others to pour into our daughters lives through us. 

Yesterday, we had a WELCOME HOME party at our church.  It was low key, with a wonderful spread and plenty of space.  Thank you Melissa and Teri (and Tarsha too) for planning this for our family.  We love our Life Community and extended church family. Thank you for your outpouring of love and prayers.  To have you all standing with us and reaching out to us, has been a HUGE answer to prayer.  God sure knew what He was doing and what we would need when we found this community. 

After the party the girls were not ready to say goodbye to their counsins.  Oh how they love their cousins and how their cousins love them.  My sweet niece and nephews have been ever present on our journey to their counsins.  They would ask when they saw us, Hannah and Liam would call for updates on when they were coming home.  To FINALLY have them home is a reality that they just can not get enough of.  Thank you Liam, Hannah, Isaac, and Drew for loving your cousins long before they were home and loving on them in ways only children can.  You are ALL AMAZING! 

So, after the party we moved to our home and well, quickly made our way to the Corey Families favorite place.  The BEACH!!!!  The tide was out as far as I have ever seen it.  Some of us had water boots, some of us had bare feet, while others of us were a little less prepared.  But the shoes on our feet, did not change the fun had by all.  Even Tio Ryan found himself turning over rocks for crabs and other creatures.  Isaac took the prize with his find of a REALLYBIG crab.  The screams, squeals, and screaches could be heard from a distant.  Isaac's excitement was appreaciated by all.  If you didn't know who found it, one might think they ALL found it.  Love to share the exitement and JOY the beach has brought our changing family for months.  The connection it has provided for our little family of four and the JOY of sharing it with loved ones. 

What Is Happening

Our week has been full.  Grampa Corey took us to the aquarium on Wednesday and it was great fun.  Thank you Grampa Corey and Michelle for the great day.

I find that as we are go along in our days things appear and feel "normal" and then we find ourselves suddenly thrust into a different world.  We attempt to go there, figure out whats happening, meet needs, teach, and learn.  These times zap our energy and well at times catch us off guard and we find oursleves looking back to see what happened. As I chat with friends who have journeyed before me I am encouraged to hear that this is not uncommon.  It is hard to share the rough times so publicly, yet I dont want to paint a picture that the road is always smooth. So some days good things happen and there are things to share, but the energy to write is nowhere to be found. With that said, we are making some great gains.

My daughters are warming up to me and my role as mama, caretaker, and provider.  This is helpful when times are tough.  Having a little bank of deposit to withdraw from makes regrouping from the tough moments a little easier.  Over the last 2 weeks we have watched the girls response change as they have had my undivided attention addressing their basic needs has been beneficial.

This week I had the opportunity to spend an hour in the pool with my big girl.  We spent the first half playing close to the stairs where she could touch the bottom and asked me to do demonstrate different things.  The second half she ventured out with me and allowed me to help her swim and touch the bottom where it was over her head.  This was great time for the two of us.  I received many kisses that evening.

So many things are first.  Cooking, having a dog, seeing the rain, a woman driving a car, leaving the house, new foods, having the phone to call papi from your room, swimming in an indoor pool, seeing the laundry wash and dry, so many things, at times we are not even aware.

Julissa is understanding more and more english everyday and she tries new words.  I am so proud of her.  She mimics me at random times and makes me laugh.  Like when she was ready to go and she blurts out clear as day, "Come on, come on Johanna, lets go!" I laughed right out loud and she was so proud of herself, she reached out and gave me a high five. Really, have I been caught saying this to two peruvian girls that require triple the time of their mother to prepare to leave the house? Perhaps. 

Tonight we skyped with Ernesto, the manger at Inka Frog who was so good to us.  He told us the staff has asked several times for us and asked how we are doing.  The girls were excited to chat with him and share whats going on here in the states.  It was great to hear them share with Ernesto.  We learned a few things.  Julissa reports the music at church is crazy!  Crazy good, not bad.  She went on to give him details, like one of the musicans is papi's friend.  Tim Reeder, your ability to play the guitar impresed our daughter and made sitting through a service in english worth coming back for.  We recognize it is so different than what they have been exposed to and in english. 

Back to church tomorrow and looking forward to our Welcome Home Fiesta in the afternoon. 

Thank you for the prayers, support, meals, notes, gifts of time, and acts of service.  We are so thankful for each one of you! 

Grampa Corey & Michelle

Today Grampa Corey and Michelle came to meet the grand daughters.  Thay arrived mid afternoon, visited for a little bit, then to check in at their hotel and came back for a quick dinner.  Both girls were eager to help me clean up from dinner to get us out of the house and to the hotel  it was time for us all to go to the hotel pool.  Nearly an hour and a half in the pool, playing monkey in the middle, swimming and trying out the hot tub.  It was great fun.  The girls enjoyed their time and were in no hurry to leave.  Grampa and Michelle appeared to be enjoying themselves as well.  I'll let you see for yourselves.



Monkey in the middle




Johanna showing her tue jokster self......



The hot tub was just too hot for Julissa



Grampa Corey & Michelle, thank you for your visit.  We had a great time tonight and are looking forward to our day tomorrow.

Having family come and visit and get to know the girls in a familiar place has been wonderful.  We live 1.5 to 3 hours away from our family but appreciate the effort and understanding of the importance of coming to the girls during this time.

We have enjoyed some great meals, snacks, and treats from gracious family and friends.  We can not say thank you enough for loving on our family! 

Sunday... Fun Day!

First I have to start by saying, the ways people have been loving on us has been amazing!  Tonight as I sat down to write a post, I received a very sweet email from my cousin Hillary.  She has followed our journey and noted that our collage needed updating with our girls.  She made our new collage.  Thank you Hillary for your sweet gift!

What a great day.  We went to church for the first time as a family of four. Ok, maybe 7.  Yesterday, we prepared the girls that we would be going to church today and they were concerned about the language and not knowing anybody else.  They promptly presented a solution.  Can Tia tarsha come with us?  Now thats an easy yes and it made them feel like they would know someone there.  It just so happens, my brother in law and sister wanted to cook for us, well really for the girls, and arrived just in time for us to bring along their counsins.  SCORE!  Win, win. The girls had a small support group for their first time at church, we came home to lunch, even better, Tio Matt made the girls their favorite rice AND Tio Levi made the trip down to see them.  What a great day!  We had a nice warm welcome from our church family whom we love and appreciate.

Watching our daughters become comfortable in their home and in their environment has been a daily gift. To watch them interact with family is another.  Tio Levi, is so tall and handsome.  His height is so amusing. Why, why, why, is Papi short, they are brothers? Additionally,  he is funny and his quietness is intriguing too.  Today he just picked Johanna up from her bed when she was working really hard at being mad about something.  In a moments notice she was giggling so hard over tio's shoulder she could barely catch her breath.  Tio Matt, well he is a really good cook and he loves with his food.  Tio has been waiting a long time to cook the girls some "conmfort food" and today he made them their favorite rice dish.  Oh how sad when moments after he left Julissa finished the leftovers adn was shocked that all that rice he made for her was gone!  What about the littlest counsin who "hams it up" for his new counsins.  Oh Liam, otherwise known as chicinando, makes them laughs, lets them carry him around, and teases them.  Love and laughter know NO verbal communication limits.  Just add the beach and you have One. Big. Happy. Family!   

The meals and food we have received have been so APPRECIATED!!!  THANK YOU! 

Off to bed, busy day tomorrow and on Tuesday the girls will meet in person, their Abuelo Corey.  We are very excited.  They have skyped with him and he even took his laptop out to the barn to show them all of his cows.  Johanna is ready to go work with the cows like Tia Sarah.  Oh how fun.... she will love it. 

More photos soon.

Time, Timelines, Days or Dates

WoW.... at times my world feels a bit surreal as I watch our daughters and listen to the awe and wonder in their voices as we go through our day. The beach is definitely a place of healing, learning, sharing, bonding and beauty! Today we went to the beach two times. Pa capiltolized on his daughters desire to understand his work and their desire to go to the beach. We compromised and said let's go today and take pictures, then Pa can show you what he does and then we can go again in the evening. Well let me tell you that our Peruvian princess who function on Peruvian timelines , momentarily acted like Americans and we left in record time.

Wearing a winter coat is really very awkward for most people. I imagine for my girls that this bulky thing I ask them to put on is much like it is for a baby. Confining and uncomfortable. The first day the concern was that it didn't match the pants and the confusion that "this shirt is too BIG. Off came all the upper body clothes and a child attempting to wear her winter coat like a shirt. With some explanation of Spanglish, signing, and at the tailed, Papi, I managed to get on a short sleeve white shirt under this "shirt". I called it good. This is how we spend our days.  Before I know it I am cleaning up from breakfast at lunch and still in my pajamas because, well, each task, each interaction, each activity of daily living has a life of it's own. We have no timelines, we know no days or dates.  For now all the time we have together, with no demands, is a gift.

So yes, I am in a winter coat all bundled up as I made another attempt for mother of the year.  I allowed my daughters to bring their coats to the beach in the car. Johanna didnt waste much time before she decided that in fact it was not mucho caliente. Back to the car to grab the coat. Julissa, well it's just not fashionable and she saves her coat for the nighttime visits to the beach.

My sensory seeking girl.  Circles, spinning, standing on her head, and more makes my girl HAPPY!

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I find it comforting to be at the beach with our daughters. There is a twinge as I see dogs and know that my girl Saige would so love to be there. I refocus and remember the importance of being in the moment. We are discovering one another in the simplicity and the beauty of the ocean. As it became apparent yesterday, it is mama and Johanna's thing to run down the beach singing run run... run run run, over and over again. She reaches for my hand and with the heavy roll of her R's and mama. I know exactly what my little girl wants. It doesn't get old. Finding ways and things we connect over and laugh.   Like when Johanna sees a dog and says, mama, Saige, triste (sad) and plops herself in the sand to watch for a few moments. Then joy of watching my big girl hold her Papi's hand and learn about the tide 2 times a day, and why it looks different every time we go to the beach. To see planes light up the sky and count, WOW! To walk on rocks, demonstrating safety, accepting an outstretched arm. There is healing taking place in our family. To watch, to learn, to grow, to learn to trust, to be on this journey is truly an honor.


There are things I would love to share, but again, I find it more important to honor my daughters and not share publicly all that is taking place. They are brave girls. They are taking risks and I could not be more proud of them. For these reasons I choose to honor their steps/attempts/risks.

So there you have it. Two daughters, one mama, and one papa on a journey of loving, learning, growing, trusting, bonding, on our journey of healing together.

Hijacked by Tia Tarsha: Please Help!

Hello to all Tracy and Ben's faithful blog followers, its Tia Tarsha! I was honored to watch my nieces last night while their parents stole away for a few short hours to enjoy their life group. It was a wonderful time at Saige's Infirmary. We chatted via ipad translation and ate ice cream. We went to the store with money sent by Abuelo to get ice cream. :) Then the girls spoke with him to say 'schank you'! Johanna kept Saige watered and they both kept her fed, with cookies, cheeseballs and peanut butter raw hide. Johanna saw to it that I was informed of all of Saige's needs, and quite frequently! They've got a very sweet girl on their hands. With that said, I'm writing today to ask a huge favor. I was happy to see lots of smiles when I arrived last night, but I noticed the food supply and time for preparation were short. Thank you to the people who brought food on Sunday, it was enjoyed that afternoon by many, and for a couple days by Tracy, Ben, Julissa and Johanna. However, it has dwindled and they need more. Grocery shopping and food preparation are not priority right now (although important, just like when a new baby arrives) and I'd like to help ease the transition. Can you help me with that? Could you send a meal to the Corey's sometime in the next week or two as they get into the swing of things as a family of four? It would be greatly appreciated by Ben and Tracy (once they find out!) and me! Any meal would do, as in breakfast, lunch or dinner. A casserole (for those who enjoy cooking), bread and sandwich meats/veggies, a frozen pizza, or even just a few groceries or snacks would work as well. I don't cook and will be buying them dinner Saturday when I visit, so don't feel bad to do a take out meal if that works best for you. :) Between translating, meeting the girls immediate needs, capitalizing on being a family in the moment, creating routines, phone calls to doctors and schools, I know that every meal provided during this first couple of weeks will be a God sent! Thank you in advance for helping me to help Ben, Tracy, Julissa and Johanna! Please email me at tarshadowning@hotmail.com to let me know what day you would like to bring your meal so we can spread the love and make it most convenient for you. I'll start a spreadsheet with all the info. THANKS Again! Tracy's little sister, Ben's favorite sister in law and Julissa & Johanna's proud Aunt, Tia Tarsha :)

Establishing Our Family & Our Home

Our days continue to have our firsts and our daughters are learning about their new home. The fact the the fridge in the house is all our food is a reason to clap! First baths, oh how nice it feels to lay your head back into the warm water and then feel the soap trickle down your back as the shampoo rinses from your hair. It's even fun to have a dog to supervise when your little and you get to yell "mama, Saige or the perrito". The tone says it all, she is maybe thinking of trying to move. I come running and thank her for keeping the dog safe. There might be some complaining about dog hair on clothes and everywhere. It also makes sense that when you lay on the dogs blanket to kiss her that the accumulation of hair on your clothes is greater. All in all we have had 3 peaceful days.

We returned to the beach last night. I helped the girls practice in the car on our way to find some warm clothes. We practiced.... Papi, let's go. to the. beach. So at dinner the girls proudly suggested to Papi with the 2 word fist pump that we go. Papi was impressed and agreed. We collected some sea glass. How fun that our daughters got into it and were excited with every piece. We arrived home to show them all the glass we collected as we waited to be with them.

Our Saige is feeling better. She doesn't want to stay down. She doesn't want to be in her crate and she doesn't want to miss out on the last bite of Papi's meat. As for her mama, she doesn't handle her being in the crate and crying, it make her cry. Johanna has loved her self imposed duty to care for the dog. I love it.

Tomorrow is a new day and with a little more physical order in the house, some warmer clothes, and increased familiarity, I will be looking forward to making a dent in some phone calls for doctors, schools, and more.

This post is dedicated to my "self reported stockers" who appreciate an update. As I find a grove, I hope to update and share more.

Thank you again. We appreciate the love, prayers, and support!

Rhonda, if you are reading this please contact me. I read your post and would love to connect with you the rest of us who are caring and supporting each oth through the journey of Pru Adoption!


Julissa and I had some one on one time today to try again for clothes. We managed to come home with a few articles of clothing and a nice few hours together holding hands walking through the mall, both making our best attempts at each others native tongue and finding teaching moments to share what the word was in each others language. We got in the car and I had a happy girls explain, yes, vamous a la casa (lets go home).

Welcome Home & First Day

CAUTION... long post

We made it. We had a great flight with the girls. They were great flying the red eye and their very first trip to the airport. They were brave, curious, and excited! As we drove away in te taxi from our hotel I could feel my heart overflow with compassion for my two daughters. How must they feel? What are they thinking? I felt my eyes well up with tears as my daughters were about to leave their homeland. Yes they were orphans, yes they lived in an orphanage which had a culture all of it's own, and truth be told they don't know their culture. Even more reason to feel for my daughters for all the loss they have experienced. Yes they have a family now, but that's not all warm and fuzzy. They don't understand the gain and very much feel the pain. So for many reasons I was experiencing sadness for all that my daughters have lost. We made it to the airport and the girls were wide eyed as we explained they needed to take off their belts. Good ole TSA shocked my girls. They had been prepared with the help of our rep that the airport had lots of rules that needed to be followed. We pointed out a pilot, (it was like they saw a celebrity) the flight attendants, and talked about where the people surrounding us were going and where they might be from. It was great to see the girls embracing this experience. It gives them a sense of control and acceptance. We boarded the plane and as we left the ground Julissa said goodbye to Peru. Ben repoted to me. I am a fan of goodbyes. They are ceremonial and to hear my daughter said goodbye for now made the tears flow. To be 12 and leaving everything you have known and going someplace unknown with these 2 people who you call mama & papa, but don;t now what those roles really are, and quite frankly do not trust. My heart was bursting with compassion.

Our first flight was under 7 hours and uneventful. Our second flight Johanna and I were very far from Ben and Julissa on the plane. Johanna had the window and I enjoyed the many smiles and joy in my heart as she softly belted out her WOWS!!! On to mother of the year as my little girl discovered ice in her orange juice concentrate. She did not like the lack of freshly squeezed oranges that we expereinced every morning for the past month. Sadly she was willing to drink it to get to the cold blocks in her drink. "wow, frio, wow, wow, woo" as she played with it with her tongue. So I dumped what I could into my cup and let her put her hands in the little bit that was left to experience every last ice cube in her cup.

We arrived in Boston to be greeted by family and some very special people from our Life Group. My little Liam who warms my heart, came out of nowhere and into my arms. Oh how I love that little man. He pressed his cheeks into mine and said, "aunt Racy, I missed you so much! My niece and my nephews have been such a big part of my life and our adoption journey. At such young ages they have cared for their cousins, my dirls (girls) for a long time. They have invested in the wait and were thrilled to see their cousins for real. Hannah made a sign and was her sweet self, trying to make the girls feel welcomed and share her enthusiasm with no words. Isaac was heard saying, "I can't believe I finally met my cousins for REAL!". Drew well he is Drew and he doesn't say much just stands back or will join the crowd and grin. My little people, how they love unconditionally and melt my heart.

Off to the car, Tia Tarsha, wanted her princesses to know what she really thought, she got them a limo to make the last leg of the journey home in style. We toasted, we chatted, some of us checked out for a regroup you might say. I was almost home. Home to my girl who I could not wait to see. Who greeted me in my driveway? My dear friend Tara. She loves me, she is honest with me, even if I don't like it, too bad. We have journeyed through a lot together and I love her. I saw her and I felt those tears, she hugged me and they came. Then she needed to share that my Saige girl was inside, but that she hurt. That on Tuesday she had been hit by a car. She had a cast on her broken arm and needed to be kenneled for her broken pelvis. I entered the house to see my girl in the kennel. I knew while in Peru that when I saw her I would cry. In our 6 months together, waiting for travel, she loved on me, she was a tangible support. So when I saw her I cried, and cried, and well cried some more. She licked my tears, we explained to the girls what had happened, they were concerned. They had seen me cry one day in Peru. Johanna was certain she was hungry and we transitioned from there. I was so happy that she survived, she is only 27lbs and cars go so fast where she was hit. It was an accident, we understand. It happened the same day as our final meeting with SNA where we reminded them that according to the laws we were the parents and there was nothing they could do to stop us from bringing home our daughters. Feels like a battle we have been fighting.

We enjoyed our little gathering, full of emotion, the cousins, and Meaza (Tara's sweet daughter, home almost a year from ET) and it was like they had all always been together. To hear the laughter from the room. To see my little marching the boys around, to know that at last we were home. Thank you for the love, prayers, and support, the cards, the meals, starting laundry and more. Thank you for loving on us as we show our daughters that we will care for them. That we are their mama and papa, that we will keep them safe, and that we will meet their needs. Please know for now that we are grateful for things given to us. We are giving them to our daughters. In time we will teach them to say thank you, for now we are allowing them to say thank you to us and leaving it at that. It's so important for them to see us as their primary providers.

I know this post is lengthy, but all worth sharing, so I will continue.

Day 1 home.

We slept in late today, after all that traveling and emotions, we were tired. We sampled some breakfast foods, learned about clearing our dishes, and staying seated during mealtime. Off to the bedroom where I was invited to assist in arranging clothes by our big. Not my idea of where and how clothes should be and go, but this is her first closet. She wanted to hang her bathing suit and tights. OK.  thats works, but we only have so many hangers and Johanna needs some.  We decided  we would not hang the tights and the bathing suit.

Then, Johanna came bounding in the room telling Julissa that water was coming from the sky. Julissa was baffled as Johanna urged her to come, look quickly.  Out we went as we explained that it is rain.  Our daughters are from the desert.  They have NEVER seen rain.

J & J experiencing the rain.  The first of several trips out today as the rain "came faster and faster"

The girls have been concerned about Saige and have already begun micking my very silly tone of voice and actions toward her.  Johanna hand feeds her one bit at at time and holds her water bowl up for her trying to convince her she needs more water.  When Saige turns her head,  Johanna moves the bowl and tells her she needs more.  Julissa has joined in the care and tonight as we prayed at bedtime both girls prayed that the dog would get better soon.  

So we finished off the day with Julissa requesting to go see the beach.   We agreed, it is the place we went for many months and talked and prayed, and played with Saige.  It was a place of calm, a place of peace, a place of fun with Saige.  It was an outlet that made each day brighter.  Tonight we went to the beach, in the dark, touched the very cold water and laughed and went back for more with the encouragement form Mama, that it was ok.  i went first and modeled that it was fun, not scary, that the waves would not get me.  Then Johanna I ran down the beach as Papi and Julissa tired to catch us.  We laughed, laughed and laughed some more.  It was beautiful.  No Saige, but I did not focus on that, It was our first day as a family and we were at the place where we found so much comfort.  Our daughters were thrilled, feeling free, giving hugs and holding hands.  This was no coincidence.  Thank you God for a new day, fresh starts, love and the opportunity to share with our daughters.  We know this is yet another phase in perhaps a honeymoon.  Thats ok, we needed today, we needed freedom, not resistance, we need positive interactions, not guarding, we needed moments, we had them! We had exactly what we needed today.  Today and everyday!

And this my friends is what this journey is ALL about!  

Much Love.......

Final Post from Peru

All packed up... HURRAY!!!!!  Just waiting for the clock to tick and the taxi to arrive.  These last 12 hours in the hotel were long.  Just waiting, waiting for the the time to leave.  I slowly packed the remaining items and tried to create an easy flow of laundry and toiletries for easier unpacking. Said goodbye to some of our newly created "extended family" here at Inka Frog.  They have been wonderful to our family.  We are so grateful for their support and care during these last 2.5 weeks.  We will miss them.  Thank you Jennifer Norman and Erica Glave for hooking us up with such a great place.  We also said goodbye to our lunch friend at Wayruros across the way.  She even made part of our lunch exclusive for us today.  Lunch is the big meal here and it is under 3 dollars a piece for a full meal and our drink.  Can't beat lunch for 4 under 12 dollars.  Thank you Sandra......

And at the final hour Rebecca made her way here to meet us.  Rebecca has her appt with the SNA on Monday and flies to Cusco to meet her daughter on Tuesday.  Our visit was brief, but it was so nice to meet another mom from our little network of adopting from Peru group.

I leave Peru different than I came.  For this I am thankful.  Change is HARD.  I am looking forward to sharing, but for now I am too tired to articulate my thoughts.

Thank you again to all who have journeyed with us in various ways.  The love, support, prayers, notes of encouragement, visits and outings, and more.  Ben and I have talked about the many ways we have felt supported and loved on.  Thank you!!!

Chow from Peru, stay tuned for more stateside...................

Our Last Night In Peru

Finally ALL of the documents we need our in our hands! We are ready to fly. We got a call at 2 that said the computers at the Embassy were down, that the Visas were not completed, and that our rep would be calling us back in an hour. I didn't even panic. This was nothing and huge all at the same time. We could not hit a bump at this point. Sure enough an hour later we got the call that everything was ready and Ben jumped in a taxi and was on his way. Have I mentioned how wonderful he is? He is WONDERFUL for the record! Two hours later he arrived back with 2 big sealed packets to deliver to immigration in Atlanta. Our last tasks here is to get these two Peruanas on the plane in Lima.

While Ben was away I started to pack up the room. Things we will not need, and sorting clothes by color to pack for laundry. Julissa had seen me move a few things in the morning and asked her Papi what I was doing. He explained as she watched me do more this afternoon she asked me what she needed, and began to set aside her clothes for the plane. She slowly and carefully packed up all of her belongings and organized her suitcase. I think this is good. It gives her a sense of control of what is happening. She is actively participating in the transition to the states and accepting that this part is over. Over dinner she asked what time we were leaving again and we talked again about the plane, the times, what to expect. This is good.

So we are just over 24 hours away from completing this phase of the journey. The phase we waited for for 26+ months. This phase has been 23 days long from the day we met our daughters. The last 18 days have been intense. Perhaps intense is not the best way to describe it, but it is the only word that I can retrieve.

What do we expect now? To arrive in Boston @ 2pm or so on Sunday. To see our Saige girl (our dog) and take it hour by hour from there. We have a number of things that we had planned and thought, not sure how it will all play out.

So now for the part that some of my dear friends have asked me to include in a post before I came home. Some a little more direct than others, but I know they love me and are looking out for me. Ok. It is to answer the questions that so many of you have asked.  What you can do to help or support us? I'm not big on asking, it might be pride, it's also that I prefer to give. But what I do know is that in the moment you ask I might not be very good at knowing or asking.  So as my  so as my wise friend suggested, ASK/TELL before you leave. Meals would be great. A visit to help me do something or nothing. Continued emails and calls would be great too. (No offense if I don't respond right away.) The biggest thing I need to be doing is being present for my daughters. To give when they need me and when they are not ready. I need to be the primary and only one addressing and meeting their needs. So prayers and encouragement will be appreciated. Staying this intense course over the next few weeks is possible, not easy, but with love, support, prayers and encouragement I will be pouring into my daughters life. There I did it.

As for Ben. Love on him too. He has amazed me on this journey and I have fallen more in love with him. We have been raw and honest with each other and I could not imagine being on this journey with any other man. With that said. Words of encouragement, prayers, a Starbucks run with him or a manly breakfast. Tell him it's ok that he only has a few pictures of his daughters, that he will have more in the future. :).

We know that many of you are not close. That's ok, we know you are with us in spirit and have appreciated the support from afar. Family and friends who have waited in great anticipation to meet our daughters. We are looking forward to sharing them with you. We are not putting you off. We will be housebound initially (not sure how long)meaning we will not be traveling to Maine for visits and sleeping over right away, but we can have visitors.

Please pray for all of us, but especially Julissa and Johanna as we travel home, for their hearts and minds, for healing from the past.