Giving BEYOND Giving…

WOW!  I continue to learn more about love, life, and God on this journey than I did in my first 34 years of life.

As I was driving down the road on Sunday afternoon, tears streaming down my face, feeling like I really MISSED some opportunities to essentially shine with my daughter, I remembered that during phase one of this journey I heard several times that the beginning of phase two, coming home with your child/ren is often a reflection of phase one of your journey.  I remembered thinking, please God, please no.  Although it has not been a replica, our beginning was nothing I could have, would have or thought of.  It was nothing short of a miracle and God sustained us as we journeyed through some difficult days.  We have come so far.  My daughter, our daughter has come so far.  I have gleamed insight and pieced pieces of a puzzle together that I never dreamed of.  We are bonding.  She is sharing with me and really does not like it when I am unhappy with her actions.  This is HUGE. The tears stopped and I remembered once again, that I was not on this journey alone, that I will be disappointed when I try to give on my own and hope that my expectations will be met.  SILLY ME!

My sister in law got married this weekend.  She got engaged just as we began what turned out to be 3 months of waiting to bring home the girls once we were officially matched.  I was so happy for her, I was able to help her a little and then we left for Peru and well I have probably talked to her on the phone 5 times since coming home. I wanted her day to be extra special, she had asked our girls to be part of her special day and although I knew just under 5 months home was a HUGE expectation, I wanted them both to pull it off.  I shared the risk, the bride was aware and fine, but ME, yes ME, I wanted it to be something more.  I wanted my daughter to give of herself and think of her tia (aunt).  I wanted her to be on her best behavior.  I know, I know, CRAZY!  In all honesty, she did an AMAZING job.  I think this is why I am needing GRACE, because I was really impatient and hard on her when she couldn’t focus on anyone other than herself.  Forget what I know, forget what I have done, my expectations got the best of me and I lost all sense of reality. 

On the ride home she let me know that I NEVER, yes never, do anything for her.  The timing could not have been worse.  I was exhausted emotionally and I had some other complicating factors weighing on my mind.  Once again, it became about me, and well, when I could not, are you ready? Reason with her, yup, I got really angry and told her I was not speaking to her.  When we arrived at our destination, it was not long before I could see she was trying to make small talk with me, be in my space and was just figuring out where she stood with me.  Good for her, this was a risk and although she too was emotionally spent, she spelled it out for me.  “Ma, I said you never do anything for me because at the wedding the whole time, you were helping my sister and everybody else and not me!” She confirmed what I had felt at one point getting ready.  That I should have brought someone with me to do the things I do and basically be her one on one.  She needed me and her selfish (appearance) behavior was more about her trying to get me to be with her, to give to her.  She felt very threatened as she watched me give to others during what I knew would be a stressful time for her.  She needed hand holding in order to give and I was expecting her to put her own needs aside and give.  What was I thinking?  Cleary, I was not.  The clarity I gained for a brief moment on Friday night, that it truly does take a village to raise a child, seemed to just be a passing thought and not something I needed to act on.

Thankful for grace, second chances, that it really isn't about me, FORGIVENESS!  That my daughter has words to communicate with me what she is experiencing and that I have the opportunity to look beyond reality and gleam wisdom into my daughters needs. Thankful that I am not only giving from myself, but that at the end of most days, I know that what I gave was beyond me.  This gives me so much hope and reassurance that God will provide when you follow His heart and care for the orphans.  

Well today, things are calm, lots of request for carrying, holding, hugging, and a child who is healing, a child who is bonding and attaching, and a young girl with so much potential.  Praying we spend our time wisely and prepare her well.  Will you join me?

Johanna dropped her flowers like it was her job.  So proud of her!

Julissa hamming it up.  She let her dad take this one photo.  Love her!

What can I say, this girl loves life.

Playing in front of the camera for her daddy.

Our photo with the tio Jack & tia Sarah.  Time ran out for me to do my hair and  accessories.

And, well, the closest we have come to a family of 4 photo and it is going on the wall.  

Four Months HOME..... tomorrow

Here it is the blog so many have waited for.  I will begin by saying I have started 4-5 posts.  I started.  I thought.  It felt personal. I did not want to risk exposing my girls in some of their most vulnerable times.  I did not want to portray reality on either side of the truth.  I stopped.  Repeat X 3 or 4.  I decided I would share when I was ready and could share not because well, people were waiting.  There I confessed.  Moving on.

Four months home and a lot has happened since I posted last.  The grieving, processing, reflecting and more have created a tighter bond, is building trust and continues to define our relationships as individuals, as siblings, as spouces and as a family. We have come so far.  We have come from a place that was full of fear for all of us, through the depths of grief to a place where we are thriving and not merely surviving.  Amazed at the beauty that is rising.

In May we celebrated Johanna’s 9^th birthday.  It was small, but fun.  It poured and poured and poured on her birthday.  She was DELIGHTED! Our worship leader from church was her guest of choice. The girls love Tim and are sure he is famous.

In June we finished up the school years and were pleased at the teacher’s reports of how impressed they were with the girls progress in just a short time.  The girls and I packed up and went to Maine to be with their cousins and family.  Ben joined us for a few extended weekends and we started seeing BIG changes.  The girls have gone from hanging out in the shallow end of the pool, holding on, to hand stands, swimming under water the length of the pool, diving, swimming to the bottom and having a great sense of confidence in the water!  It has been wonderful to watch them learn and grow.  Snorkle goggles bring a whole new element to learning to swim.  T

Ben served as pastor to a seasonal church in Maine for the month of July so we spent extended time with family.  We were blessed with some very reasonably priced tickets to Canobie Lake in Salem, NH.  What an AMAZING, UNBELIEVABLE day we had.  We went with no expectations and from walking around checking out the rides, to the girls going without a parent then to their own rides.  How fun to see our girls enjoy themselves on one of the hottest days of the summer.  We ended up being in the park for 9 hours.  CRAZY I know.  The girls went on multiple rides multiple times.  No lines make for even more fun.  Grammy joined us for the day. She can attest to the AMAZING day we had.  The girls were perfect and really excited about their day. 

After Canobie the girls and I returned to Maine for more time with their cousins.  This time was been monumental as they grew and embraced what it means to be part of a family.  I have laughed with my sisters as we have watched the relationships and level of comfort grow between the cousins.  The girls and boys pester one another, tattle, and then back to best buds in no time flat.

In the midst of these trips to Maine, Canobie Lake, meeting new people, and more we have been very pleased with both girl’s abilities and desires to transition, manage and cope.  We planned for transition time and upon our first return from Maine, the girls jumped out of the car and grabbed bags and unpacked and participated in settling in.  They never skipped a beat.  We have learned new things about both girls and where they require more support, what we might expect at various times, and how to best support them.  We have watched as they use their newly learned coping skills with us, others, and each other.  It is a gift to watch as they experience success when they use what they have learned.  You can almost see the click and the light insides their hearts and heads.

Julissa’s English is exploding.  She understands most everything in context and is incorporating new words into her vocabulary all the time.  We find ourselves commenting to one another when we hear them speaking to each other in English.  Johanna is beginning to settle in new ways and has begun processing aloud about the things she notices that are different or missing from Peru.  She is concerned about forgetting some words in Spanish. 

Johanna adores Saige and cares for her in every way.  Johanna had a difficult night one night and Saige visited with her two times in the night.  It is just so sweet to see the two of them.  Definitely melts my heart.  Julissa has come to a place where she finds herself forgetting to not like the dog and advocates that we not leave the dog behind when we leave.  Saige is fabulous with both of them. 

August means summer vacation is more than half over. We will continue to work on English formally and informally.  We will swim more, spend time with friends, and close out our summer with a BANG as both girls will be in Tia Sarah’s wedding.  We have their dresses and shoes and have talked a lot about what an honor it is to be in a wedding.

Sorry no photos.  Married to a photographer and he has all the photos on his Mac.  My computer died and I am using an old PC to do basic things.  Hoping he will post photos here soon. 

So many moments have occurred.  Much healing occurs in those moments.  So thankful to experience the high moments that sustain us in the pain of the low moments. Thankful for family and friends who have prayed for us, listened to us, encouraged us in our presence and in our absence. 

As we said goodbye to our pediatrician today, he shook our hands and looked us in the eyes and said, “this child I see gleaming today is a different child than I saw 3 months ago, SHE IS NEW!”