Post Placement

Imagine, giving birth to your child/ren and then after 6 months the pediatrician refers you to visit a “specialist.” A specialist you MUST pay for out of pocket, you have no choice but to open your home and the specialist comes and evaluates you, inquires with others, and then writes a report about your family.

Well this is essentially what happens when you chose to become a forever family through adoption.  It is really quite bizarre.  The pediatrician equals the governing bodies of adoption, the specialist is a social worker from an agency that works with families who adopt,  and does not take insurance.  We understand the technicalities of it in our heads and can even appreciate the protective factors that it offers, however our heads and our hearts do not meet on this issue.  I was surprised by the way I felt about the visit as I expected it as part of the adoption process.  I believe it is that knowing in our heads, and experiencing loving, and being on a journey of healing with our daughters that makes the heart’s response feel a bit invaded.  These girls are ours and to have the school fill out a paper that says how your children look at school, dress at school, how involved we are at school, how we discipline, look at our home and report out on how well we are doing feels, well ridiculous.  Families who birth children, of all races, religions, economic backgrounds and statuses are not required to show and tell all for grading.  Nothing will change that these girls are our daughters. In fact the social worker was highly complementary of our parenting and the skills we posses.  I am not looking to be flattered, I know in my heart what is happening and that is enough.  It is just not normal and it flies in the face of all that we and other parents who chose to adopt want for our children. 

As I processed these feelings and my responses to this awkwardness I decided to celebrate the growth and gift of each of our daughters. 

One is observed by the attending social worker coming home from school walking through the door singing and bouncing,  “Hi ma, how are you?” She places her bag in its spot, unpacks her lunch bag and puts the ice in the freezer and proceeds to run off to play.  She returns with her doll for some hugs and to tell me something and off she goes.  The other is observed, more reserved, on her best behavior, responding appropriately to an adult asking questions.  She tells me I am in her chair at the table and I offer her to sit on my lap. She tells me I am weird. 

We proceed to continue the “interview” the girls show their room and a few of their favorite things, leading us to the living area where we proceeded to chat a little more.  We were politely interrupted by a child,  “excuse me, excuse me, please talk in the kitchen, thank you.”  She had been waiting patiently for our conversation to end to continue her play and it just was not ending. 

The social worker, our pediatrian, school personnel and more have noted how happy and safe one child is.  She notes that another is so lucky to have us, that our understanding of her “behaviors” and the way we respond is best. 

I think about my child that is thriving, loving life, not conflicted at all about being part of a family or giving so freely  and appreciate the gift my other daughter gave to her as she provided her with a consistent caregiver, one that she did not have.  I appreciate the gifts of sisterhood and compassion.  I appreciate that my daughter gave from an empty place and fought for her and her sister.  The caring and fight allows one child to freely bond, attach, love and give without fear while the caring and fighting from an empty place resulted in fear and brokenness that takes much more time to heal than it did to create. My daughter is brave, courageous, strong, able and worth the awkward and invasive visits.  In her brokenness and fear she still gave such a gift to her sister.  The bond of sisterhood is deep, strong, and difficult to penetrate.

For my friends who have adopted, considering adoption, or even curious about adoption.  These crazy invasive evaluations satisfy others and I want to encourage you to use them as an opportunity to reflect on the gifts your child/ren have been to each other, you and the entire family unit.  I trust you will find it as refreshing as I have.  Thanking God for the beauty that continues to rise from ashes and the opportunities to see His glory.

J&J posing before church

J, J & cousin Hannah all dressed alike this summer

tia Sarah y Johanna w/ tio Levi's hat at Grampa Corey's farm

Julissa y Emersyn, one of the "equals"

I promise Ma, I don't love Saige.  Ok, daughter!

My girls with their twin cousins. "the equals"

Brewing for Awhile (It's raw, BEWARE)

Sharing honestly about older children adoption differences.

The school year is officially in full swing and we see visions of multiple meetings in our heads. Two schools, several teachers, administrators, and advocates.  English Language Learners (ELL) have very specific guidelines schools must follow to educate children at the same level of their peers.  Parents Place Pointers its a great resource.  We are learning as we go and advocating our hearts out.  My big sister is a teacher, she is compassionate, loving, nurturing, eager and wants more than anything to meet her little first graders right where they are at.  She works hard, spends her own money for supplies, takes pride in her classroom appearance, and she even has a stash for the marginalized.  I have known her to give out hats, mittens, coats, school bags, etc.  She does it quietly and is happy to care for the less fortunate.  She makes my heart smile.  Some days I wish we could pay her to stay home and homeschool our children.  THIS I KNOW........ I am not fit for this task.  I know my strengths and weaknesses, and my hat is off to mom's (mostly) who walk this journey.  I CAN NOT IMAGINE!  I digress, however, not all teachers or school districts have this level of commitment to ALL children.

We have experienced first hand both educationally and medically, professionals that discriminate because our daughters are not fluent in English.  We have heard it's too hard, well a translator can not help, it is because she does not speak english, we can't move her up with her class there are too many students.  Well it might be hard, that is not a reason to NOT try.  We are adults here and professionals.  Thank you!  Yes, there are protocols for how to use a translator for this, and this is not my profession but I know you should know this.  Thank you!  Your right she does not speak english but teachers trained and licensed for ELL are trained in instructing ELL students, you will just need to provide that/those individuals.  Thank you!  Class size does not equal retain my child who does not speak english, because your classes are too big.  I believe that is discrimination on a few levels and you would not want to answer for these statements.  Perhaps this is a contributing factor as to why your school is on monitor for not meeting standards.  I'm sure you will find space for her in one of your third grade classes.  Thank you!

So we have a child who understands she is not doing what her peers are doing and she is bored, stressed and alone in her ELL world.  We have contacted the teacher and counselors for support.  The response time is less than optimal.  We have another child who is using her status to pick and choose homework assignments and is asking us to tell certain teachers that she can't do it.

We have MULTIPLE advisers and evaluators on parenting our children.  None of whom I might add have called or shown up to our door to care for us or our daughters.  The journey of helping others who are broken and deeply wounded is not easy.  It's like hiking barefoot on broken glass. It is difficult.  It is draining.  Yet, we believe that broken and wounded children and adults matter to God and He cares for them and loves them more than any of us could ever imagine.  This is why we believe in walking this road.  It is not glamorous.  Yet we are confident that at the end of this part of the journey we will see the benefit for all of us.

Parenting our daughters has been compared by others as caring for infants.  Well, infants have no baggage, no wounds, no history.  They generally can be soothed, comforted, and their is the anticipation of the coos, the smiles, the sounds.  There is a give and take.  Others have attempted to assure us it is just teenage behavior, sure there is the chronological number in the equation and some similarities, however, having the 12 year history holds significant meaning.  When you are building trust and bonding, setting limits, it does not always look like other 12 year olds.  You look for opportunities to both teach and honor the desire to individualize.  Part of individuating is having a foundation that you glean from.

One thing we have been "fortunate" (using the term lightly) is that our daughters present well for the most part in public.  Ahh, the face of deceit and the comfort it brings others.

As a counselor, former  foster care/adoption professional, and adoptive mother, I/we have knowledge of development and social emotional needs.  We evaluate every situation/ before when possible, consider possible triggers, and after an unanticipated incident we evaluate, consider the triggers, and discuss what we could do better or different in the future.

Some have asked is this what you expected?  It makes me wonder what prompts that question? If the answer is yes then what?  If the answer is no, do we get a feel bad for you card.  I understand that people do not know the questions to ask.  If it is for their own interest that is fine, but we are not obligated to answer for their sake.

What we need is support as parents, our thoughts, our decisions honored and supported.  We do not need advice/counsel from a range of people.  It is NOT HELPFUL!  We need people on our journey who trust and care for us enough to support our parenting.  Our children are not here to make others feel warm fuzzies.  Although they were orphans and have not had material possessions, this does not change that they are human and they have wants and needs and we need to teach them the difference, as well as, how to manage material possessions.  We will never make up for the lost past or the history, but we do have to lay a foundation that helps and teaches them how to be successful now and in the future.  This takes time.

We appreciate that people support in their own ways.  That is nice. I want to encourage others who truly want to support another on their journey of any kind is to say, I don't know what to say.  I don't know what to do, BUT I want to do something that is supportive to you.  Supporting others is not about our own levels of comfort or feel goods.  HONESTY is the best way to go and the most supportive.