What it COSTS to Access Mental Health Treatment

In the blog world I have noticed that the absence of blogging means only a couple of things, your busy and overwhelmed or your hurting and without words.   Rarely does the absence represent a lack of desire to share the joy and laughter that fills families hearts and homes.

Our close friends and families have walked with us in some of the darkest days and words are not enough to express our gratitude for hanging with us on this part of of our journey.  Thank you is only the beginning of how we acknowledge you for your love, prayers, listening ears, time, hugs, fasting, tissues, text, emails, flowers, calls and more.  We have found comfort in each of these acts and appreciate you for being the hands and feet of Jesus, intentionally and unintentionally. 

It is my desire to share our story at some point in the future, for one purpose, to shed light on the reality of what is happening and to awaken many to the realities of the injustices of the world and the caution of judgement.

What rings true for me today as my newsfeed has shown several times is this story...........

 I AM ADAM LANZA'S MOTHER.

This mother's story highlights the need for acknowledgment of mental health issues and need of access to mental health treatment. We have our own experiences to speak to with the what she is saying in the following quotes

While every family's story of mental illness is different, and we may never know the whole of the Lanza's story, tales like this one need to be heard -- and families who live them deserve our help.

" his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.“
“You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to......I have rights!” "I love my son. But he terrifies me."
 "His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan"
"That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room."
"Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home."
" it’s impossible to predict what will set him off."
“You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”
For days, my son insisted that I was lying -- that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises I don’t believe them anymore.

We know what it is like to watch your child's physical appearance change before your eyes and the words that are spoken be words you can not even repeat when a simple boundary was set, and your younger child to have a safety plan that she shared about how she and her dog stay safe, to have the police arrive at your home multiple times, sometimes in one week, ending in trips to the ER, waiting long enough to be seen that clinicians are confused by why you are there and even they look confused by the chain of events that led to that very moment, to receive an apology to secure a want and when not obliged the rage, threats of harm and clearly articulated intent to lie about us returned with a vengance, to come full circle to maintain great behavior to return home only to begin again. 

This cycle repeated itself until the clearly articulated threat that came one full year prior was achieved. 

We know about mental illness and we were blessed to have encountered some of the best clinical people in the mental health field.  For us it was not about accessing the professionals and recommendations it was about securing the intensive treatment that was recommended to keep our family safe and the hope of our daughter returning home safely.  The cost of treatment became the issue and the calculated lies and accusations were used to make us the demons to avoid the payment. 

Our concerns for our daughter's safety, our religious convictions, repercussions for following clinical recommendations, and our daughter finally finding people who believed at 13 she had "a voice" that needed to be heard about how she wanted to be parented,  and her need for us to change, all contributed to the state agency DISMISSING the mental health issues that had our family living in crisis and fear for 21 months.  Our daughter's psychiatrist, a national expert in trauma, provided very clear, signed in an affidavit, that in order for our daughter to benefit from treatment she needed a very specific treatment modality.  It just so happens that the "path to this treatment" was very specific in the state of Massachusetts and the goal for the state is to avoid at all cost, led our family to make decisions that NO FAMILY should be forced to make for the sake of safety for the whole family. 

We LOVE our daughter, we love both of our daughters, and we value of marriage.  The reality of a family is that it consist of more than one individual and one individual's needs.  For 21 months we lived, advocated and fought for one individual in our family.  It became evident to many, long before this mother's heart, that this one individual needed more than what was manageable or sustainable in a family setting.  I was willing to consider and had embraced the idea of parenting our daughter other than I had hoped for and desired.  The reality of the overwhelming contributing factors that were way beyond my control, left us to make decisions that gave our marriage and family the best chance of healing and thriving.  We had to make the decision that gave our daughter a greater chance at receiving the mental health treatment she needs and keep the rest of the family safe and intact.  We had to agree to surrender our legal rights as her parents.  NO PARENT should be forced to make this decision.  No child should be given, not even considering a child with mental health issues, the power to make decisions on how they wish to be parented and refuse the recommended treatment, with no ability to comprehend the implications of the decisions for the here and now desire.  Our hearts are broken, our spirits are raw, our emotions uncomprehendable, our energy is zapped, our resources depleted, and yet our faith is strong.

When Others Words Clearly Express Your Experiences

A letter shared by an adoptive mother that she wrote to herself 5 years post adopt.  I have edited to share what I feel 18 months out. I just crossed out what did not apply to me and italicized the words I added.

A letter to my {pre-adoption} self

Dear Nancy (in 2007) Tracy

I know you’ve just started to seriously consider adopting a child. I know that the thought of adopting has been on your mind not just years, but since you were a little girl and heard about the abandoned baby girls in China and saw videos of the Romanian orphanages heart for many years. So I understand that adopting isn’t an impulsive thought. And I know that even though you don’t know how or where your children will come to you, or what he or they will look like, you are excited… and unsure… and scared peaceful all at the same time.

But I am you… five years 18 months later… and 18 months into your adoption journey. And I want you to know some things that I think will help you along the way, some really important things.

1) I know that you are currently thinking that adoption is a great way to add to your family, and it is! But you should know Remember you knew that your adoption journey is going to be so much more than that you can even imagine. Adoption is gonna rock your world like you’ve never imagined! You will not be the same woman ever again. It will be profound in your life. Bigger than you can fathom. Be brave and faithful, and you will be rewarded.

2) I don’t want to scare you, but you need to know this. This journey will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You will cry. Your heart will break, and you will feel grief like you’ve never felt before, so much that there will be moments that you fall to your knees. There will be days your sadness envelops everything you do. During the worst times, you will withdraw from both your family and friends and feel completely and utterly alone. And indeed, there will be no person around you that can either understand the grief in your soul or console you. I promise you, it will get better. Please know, the trials of the process are part of what make the rewards so great.

3) In your times of pain and sorrow, you will never be alone. Not only will God be with you, but in times of grief, your relationship with God will grow and become something more amazing and powerful than you can imagine. There will be days when you pray without ceasing. And in these times, you will feel His hand comforting you. Trust Him. Feel Him. Lean into Him. Listen to His quiet whisper in your soul, but also be prepared when He speaks loud and clear.

4) Some of those closest to you will doubt your sanity, your judgment, and your worth. You will lose close friendships of people you thought you’d have your whole life. You will be questioned and judged. But you will also gain amazing friendships of people you don’t even know yet! Some will have walked a mile in your shoes and will “get it.” Other friends won’t have a clue what you’ve been though, and that will be ok too because you’ll learn that they love you completely and totally unconditionally. These friends will hold you in the hard times and will be the first to celebrate the blessings.

5) I know you’re a mom already, but get ready to love someone you haven’t met yet like you don’t even think is possible! Oh I wish I could tell you just how much you are going to love this child these girls! This love is just so so much more than you can imagine it will be. Once you meet this child these girls, you will be so certain that this is the child these are the girls that you were destined to have all along. I know that right now you can only try to visualize the face of your children, and I know you try to imagine what it will be like to make this child, a child another woman grew inside her, your own. But get ready to shake with emotion when you first see your child enter the doorway. You’ll remember every little detail of the moment you meet your child, met your children and although you’ll try, no words will come close to expressing how amazing it was to have that child placed in your arms. wrap your arms around them. You will be awed daily. A tiny weak frail child will be the strongest person you have ever met. This child They will teach you more about life than anyone ever has, without ever saying a word. Get ready to burst with pride and joy and so so much love.

6) You’re never going to see the world the same way again. I know that you already see blessings and God’s beauty, but trust me when I say that this world is even more beautiful and amazing than what you see right now. After this journey, a child’s laughter will sound even sweeter. Your husband’s hand in yours, no matter where you are at, will be the best place in the world to be. You will appreciate a nap and a tidy home even more than you do now. The sweet smell of rain will seem like God’s little miracle just for you. A smile will creep up your face more easily. You will fear things that you’ve never thought of before. And you will run towards and embrace things that currently scare the pants off you… like the words “special needs.” Your priorities and goals that you value now may be shelved and forgotten forever. But soon, you’ll have a much better appreciation of are what’s really important and truly beautiful in this world.

7) You will doubt yourself. You will doubt your decisions, your worth, and your ability to do what you willingly and gladly chose to do. You’ll lose sleep. You will have times when you are sure that God overestimated your capabilities, and you will plead with Him to lighten your burden. And because you not only chose, but actively sought out this adoption path, you will feel unworthy to complain or stress or regret… yet at times you’ll feel quite unworthy and have stress and feel regret. Know it’s ok to change your mind. It’s alright to re-assess and change directions. It’s ok to quit and take up a different path. And in this process, you’re confidence will grow strong.

8) Through your adoption journey, you will learn more about yourself than you thought possible. You’ll learn that you are stronger than you thought. You’ll learn that you can be pulled in a gazillion different directions and still get everything that needs to be done, done. You’ll learn who really loves you. You’ll learn to walk away from the things that don’t really matter and concentrate your energy on the things that do. You’ll learn lessons in patience, and you’ll come to appreciate how amazingly proactive you can be orchrastated every single job you had prepared you for what you would need to know to advocate for your girls. Some things that you think are important right now, won’t even be a thought in five years. And things you never even considered, will completely occupy your thoughts and your actions.

9) Although you will learn so much and gain strategies and techniques to become a better parent, you will never get to a place where you feel like you pretty much know what you are doing and feel totally confident in your decisions and actions. You will not have all the answers all the time. And that’s ok. On many occasions you will feel like you are going crazy and are completely out of control. Do the best that you can do at the time, because actually that’s all you can do. Listen to your gut. You’re going to make mistakes, lots of them in fact, and try not to feel guilty about what you did wrong or what you could have done better. It’s ok to wing it. It’s alright to pretend. Go ahead and fake work it till you figure out a better way.

10) Five years later, in some ways, your life will be just as you had imagined. And in some ways it will be very different. Five years later, you will still be on this adoption journey, and you will realize that it is a journey that lasts a lifetime. There is no destination, just the journey itself. It doesn’t end the day you unite with a your children. That day is just the beginning. Five years later, you will be so very amazingly happy. You really will be! And it doesn’t stop there! You be content. And confident. And so fulfilled. And the Lord will bless you more abundantly than you ever dared to ask for. And five years later, you’ll be so  You will be very sure that the adoption journey was one that you were meant and called to do.

I understand that you really won’t be able to appreciate these words now. I know that without the experiences behind them, they are just that… words. You can’t really understand the depth of what I’m saying now. But you will in five years 18 months.

Love,
Nancy (in 2012) Tracy

ONLOOKERS LENS

Here is to another attempt at unveiling the romanticized idea of adoption and the "they lived happily ever after ending".  It is NOT true with any individual or family, why, O why would it be so with adoption when adoption is based on loss? And normal, what is normal?

Its about Onlookers.  Defined by me as the people looking in at our family (and many other families who have adopted) through their own "normal" lens.  A lens that does not include that of adoption. Life on the inside looking out through the lens of adoption reveals a VERY different perspective.  The discrepancy in the focus of the two lenses leads to loneliness and isolation. The results is that the onlooker lens projects disdain for your parenting choices you make while looking through the lens that is adoption.

I would honestly adopt ALL. OVER. AGAIN!  Sounds crazy to some, I know and I expect it. In hindsight I find it comical that we were asked to complete psychological testing before our homestudy could be completed. Psychologicals because well, it was said that adoption for most families is Plan B, or an after thought after biological children, as a way to grow families, and well the most obvious if they have fertility issues. Yes, this is what we were told by a very seasoned adoption social worker.  There was no check box for other, and please explain. Our desire to adopt was Plan A and it is a minority decision.  We know what happens to minorities.   

Our desire and passion to care for the orphan, the poor and the oppressed is what brought us together.  We both had complete peace regarding this as our lives direction.  We have never been in more harmony, in sync, together, as when we made the multiple decisions along our journey to our girls.  It was AMAZING to experience and the peace was like no other.  It really was the beginning of the love that grew in our hearts for our daughters.  When you are fulfilling your purpose in life, there is joy like no other.

Although our journey post adoption has been difficult, the pain does not give way to regret, or "what if's".  Why? Because we are certain that we did not misunderstand all the signs that led us to our very daughters.  From profession to employers and between states and circumstances, combined with multiple experiences of love, justice, mercy and humility as a strong reoccurring theme at the core of the resolution.  These events/circumstances could not have been more happenstance perfectly orchestrated and have confirmed for us that God knew exactly what each of our daughters needed.  Even people who don’t profess to believe in God or His ways have said your story makes chills go up my spine, as tears roll down their cheeks.

We are beyond thankful for the people and resources that have rallied around us as we have journeyed two very different paths with our daughters. We have had some of the best services and specialty services offered along the way.  We have graciously accepted ALL of them, leaving no stone unturned.   The journey speaks for itself as to the needs of our family.  The time, energy, cost, sacrifice, and pain is nothing we would ever desire to pursue without the great LOVE and BELIEF that our daughters have the potential to heal, grow, love and to give.  To give in ways that ONLY their stories have prepared them for.  We have made it this far supernaturally.  Difficult? YES! Lonely? YES! Exhausting? You have no idea!!  Costly? YES! Worth it? ABSOLUTELY! 

Adoption in many circumstances is taking back lives that were being destroyed.  The cost is great and I am not just talking financially.  In many ways the cost to adopt could be considered the least costly.  Healing is hard work for the children and the intensity required from parents to create a sense of safety where the child can begin to trust and heal is no easy feat.  It’s a financial cost, an emotional cost, a time cost.  An investment in a life that is valuable.

Creating a safe space is something that happens in most families naturally.  Children are born into it, knowing nothing different.  Naturally occurring in development,  growing, exploring, learning, trusting, and taking risks is “built in.”  It does not require parents to impose an often time unnatural structure so that a child can go back in time and make their way through multiple developmental stages, while learning that relationships are based on trust and respect not manipulation and exploitation.  There is nothing "normal" about it and there is nothing "normal" about a child being abused, abandoned, and left to survive on their own.

It appears from what our family, and many other families I know who have adopted, have experienced is that onlooker lens does not have the capability to view the complexities that adoptive families lens have been stretched to encompass.  I would not expect it to. What I wonder is, if onlookers carefully consider all of the above in the judgements they pass, the trite suggestions they give, and the contribution to isolation that they participate in? 

As I have been wrestling through the areas of my life that I believed would benefit from being more plentiful, I returned to my core values to evaluate.  Love, Justice, Mercy, and Humility.  This is how I/we desire to live our lives, and it can only be more plentiful if I surround myself with Love, Justice, Mercy and Humility.  I am a work in progress even on the days I feel as though I have digressed.  It remains my desire.

Farewell onlookers, judgement, trite commments and isolation will not find place in my life.  Your approval or lack thereof does not define me. God sees the real me, knows my heart and loves me just as I am.  

Friends, family, and community who have acknowledged, I have no idea what your life looks life on the inside, but I know you, I know your hearts desire and I support you.  It doesn't have to appear "normal" for me to love you, embrace you, or support.  WE SAY THANK YOU!

Finding Healing

So much has happened since I last shared.  We have been praying for a miracle.  Many have joined us in prayer and support as we battle for our daughter.  Praying that she would have a heart change.,  decide to accept what is best for her now and in the future, for her to hear truth, receive truth, and choose truth. 

After an unedited conversation with my daughter when I decided that I had nothing to lose.  That night I received a call that sounded like her sharing heartfelt truths that she had chosen to accept and believe. One day turned into three that turned into more giving us reason to believe that our daughter is pursuing her family for the first time. 

We have made some great strides.  We are on a journey, we have not arrived, BUT, I do believe we have turned a corner.

 Tonight we sat down and looked at pictures from our time in country for the very first time.  It was a positive experience reflecting on some times we had, particularly our initial meeting and time in region.  We laughed some, had some serious moments, and I learned more about my daughters.  The pictures had a theme with one little girl and a bigger girl who were with me in most of the pictures at the orphanage.  One recalled, “I was so jealous when she sat on your lap, I was fighting her for you and I won, forever and ever!  The other recalled, “oh mom she really liked you and she wanted you to be her mom too.”  I believe there was some healing, more reminders of what was desired, more love, more bonding, and an overwhelming sense that everything is going to be alright.

Look what we found.  The only pictures of the girls before we were united.  

This is the first picture that was taken of them at the orphanage.

  This photo was taken the year Ben & I met.  We had no idea our daughters were waiting.

Middle is my girl.  The girl can DANCE!

Thank you for your prayers, words of encouragement, hugs, emails, calls, text, etc.  They have been a lifeline for us.  We hope you continue.

CHOSE, CHOOSE, CHOSEN and CHOOSING

Today I am feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, or so it feels.  I know the truth, I know it is not mine to carry and yet when I try to let it go, it feels like I may be letting go of something I might not know I am letting go of, and the inner cycle begins again.

I am fighting for a child in a broken system.  I am fighting for a child who believes she does not want to be fought for.  I am fighting and fighting and fighting and the child I am fighting for is vocalizing her intentions to undo and sabotage unless I conform to her wishes and desires.  I am fighting confusion of where/when do you acknowledge you cannot change another person's will.

This battle I have been fighting is slipping through my hands. The troops I have rallied are thinning behind me.  Some have picked up their support and gone home, saying I don’t agree with how you parent this child, even though I can not begin to imagine what it means to parent her.  Some have said its her age, let her be, and scoffed at me.  Others want to remain in my troop but don’t know their place, while others acknowledge that they will not be moved and they will continue to pray for our family and our daughter.   Even the professionals are thinning, losing hope that our daughter will choose to be safe in our home, and can be a source of division for the remaining troops. 

In my mind, surely when we said yes to adoption it meant bringing siblings home to heal and grow in the context of our home.  That we would love, care, teach and provide the best possible treatment, education and opportunities.  It is this mind that causes me to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Then, there is a child playing in my midst.  Playing like it is her job.  After all, I have told her that she is a child and her job is to play, learn and grow.  Not to worry.  Thankfully, she TRUST me and plays for hours processing the questions on her heart and sharing the truths she holds dear with the “characters” she plays with. 

All in a days play, I have heard her say, "you are loved, and you are safe!"

"I am adopted too, my mom cried a lot, a lot when she was waiting for me and she loves me. I will be her baby in her heart forever and ever."

"A lot of children do not have families, when you are big you can have a baby in your belly or you can adopt." 

"It is ok you no like the rules, I am your mom and its my job to teach you. I love you very much."

"You are smart and I am really smart too."

I have heard stories on how these special dolls came to the world of adoption through demonstrations of physical abuse, choosing one child over another, and children being thrown away.  

I have watched time pass (years evolve in play) and been introduced to characters who don’t have a family and observed, I mean eves dropped on 3 more adoptions today. These characters joined a family and were told they are loved and special.

I have been sought out to sort out sad feelings and to help a child (doll) who changed its mind about its adoption. I was asked to help it understand why choosing to be in a family is a good choice.

Finally, there is a doll who carries the name of a strained relationship, who my daughter is caring for and vocalizing her inability to understand why this doll/person is mean. Yet she continues to love and care for her despite the behavior and confusion.

I am humbled and I am blessed.  I am reminded daily by my girl how we are called to live.  She CHOOSES to love her family, believes she is special, smart, safe, desired, and CHOOSES to care for orphans, forgive and love. 

Children from hard places have UNBELIEVABLE barriers to overcome.  Some of these children lack cognition, skill, resources, love, prayer and more.  Some have come from unthinkable places and unthinkable circumstances and once they are safe they choose to accept little by little what it takes to heal.  Others find safety and desire to heal and yet the trauma experienced literally injured their brains and numerous other barriers that impede the journey of healing the heart. Others come from difficult places and gain awareness of what it takes to heal, grow and live in a family and desperately want to be part of a family-- yet struggle with taking the necessary risks of trusting and loving.  Like anybody else in life, there are children who come from hard places, have the awareness of what their role in healing a broken heart is, willingly and expectantly take what they like about living in a family, yet still CHOOSE not to participate in a family. 

Our daughters come from a hard place.  One saw what life could be like if she accepted and CHOSE to take the risk and let her heart be healed.  She made that CHOICE, and I am pretty sure I can tell you that day, and she NEVER looked back.  The other has CHOSEN to take some risks, and carefully picks and CHOOSES the parts of family she wants. We have taken her to the best places for  evaluations, treatment, education, support and more.  We have turned our lives upside down trying to demonstrate our love, dedication and investment in healing her heart. We have been given access to a highly sought after, very specialized provider (people come from all over the world seeking this treatment) and the prognosis is promising, attainable, and in fact she has a number of factors on her side that increase her potential.  She is a bright and capable girl who has what it takes to heal her broken heart, and it has come down to her needing to choose to want to heal.  It breaks my heart for her, to hear her say, "I don’t want to."  I want the benefits of a family that I love, but not if I have to take responsibility. 

We CHOSE adoption and would CHOOSE it again.  We knew that we were CHOOSING unknowns, possible difficulties and more.  We CHOSE our daughters and have CHOSEN to fight with love and compassion despite violence, allegations, lost relationships, and isolation.  Now we are being forced to acknowledge that in all things, all people have a FREE WILL to CHOOSE, despite our hopes and dreams for them. We are CHOOSING to love, care and provide for BOTH of our daughters in a physically and emotionally safe home.  We must CHOOSE what is best and difficult for ALL involved before CHOICES are made for us because we CHOSE not to CHOOSE!

We covet your prayers.  We do not expect or believe anyone to understand.  We are not seeking advice here. We are not giving up on our daughter.  Nothing will ever change that she is our daughter. What we want for her is to live in our family in our home, but she is intentionally CHOOSING to be violent and to stay out of our home.  We want her to CHOOSE to continue to heal her heart and accept all that God designed a family to be for her. 

Our Family Day

We had a truly FABULOUS FAMILY DAY & celebration.  See for yourselves.

Peru drinks.... pisco sour for tia y Inca cola for our peruanas!

Julissa with her favorite.... Arroz chaufer (peruvian chinese)

Johanna with carapulcra.... her fav

Others various peruvian dishes.  

Our Community life group kids.  So thankful!

One of our few family photos........ and yes  Johanna was being Johanna!

We had a fabulous time at Machu Picchu Boston with our Life Group.  The food was fabulous.  The service and hospitality were amazing and Rosy was beyond WONDERFUL to plan our very special day.  

We gave the girls each a silver keepsake heart with their names engraved and  a prayer for each of our girls for their lives.

Refreshers in Etiquette

I will post photos and share about our 1st Family Day.  However, it has been one of those weeks.  INTENSE, not even an adequate word to describe what living this week has been.  I'm not here to provide those details, I'm here to challenge ways of thinking.

How many ways are YOU in a family?

What defines a family in your mind?  Biological or Adoption?  Community or place of worship?  Friends when blood is far far away, place of work?  Is the ideal family blood and “the other kinds” alternatives?

Families are made up of many components.  Placing identification on the “types” can segregate people, it may suggest that there is a right/wrong, better or different, it does not include them.

Children (people) enter families through adoption, through support of friends, connection to a faith community, from a woman’s womb.  ALL people enter the world the SAME way.  All exit a womb.  What knits a child or person into any kind of family is NOT the method of delivery but LOVE!  LOVE is a CHOICE.

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.

Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.

Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.

Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

Rita Laws, PhD

Most of the time I equate statements and questions to a lack of understanding and use it as an opportunity to inform (educate) about what adoption is, Other times I think not so much, this requires more... “do you know what you just said?” Today is one of those times.

We have been through the:

"Don’t you want your own?” You mean biological. Love is a CHOICE and it is born in your heart. We intentionally CHOSE adoption. They are very much our own.

“BUT, don’t you want a baby?” Please think about what is prompting your question, is this about your desire for a baby or mine? Like I said, we CHOSE adoption. We chose Waiting Angels, older sibling group. I appreciate that you may want or have wanted a baby.

Here is a tip about asking a question.

What do you really want to know?

Are you wanting to start a conversation or know how someone feels about their new country?

Would you ask a child in a family that came from the womb of the woman who happens to be the mother?  If the answer is NO, well then, don’t ask.

Do you want to know about adoption?  Ask, use the word.  It’s not a dirty or shameful word. 

Stuck on what to ask?  Ask the parent.  I will talk all day about adoption. What it is like, what it means to follow God’s calling, I will tell you things that will ROCK your WORLD!  WHY?  Because it is what BREAKS God’s heart and it SHOULD break your heart too!  I will talk honestly, unashamedly!  In fact the first thing people who chose adoption agree to is to strip naked and uncover all your secrets, hurts, difficult circumstances, and promise to remain naked once your child/ren is home so that more reports can be written about how you parent.

I HAVE NOTHING to HIDE!  In fact there is something freeing about having nothing to hide.  It takes away pride, keeps you humble and dependent on God for strength for today.

I will come to your place of work, your community, your place of worship, your neighborhood, your home, your favorite hangout and answer any questions you have about adoption.  Adoption is based on loss, so knowing and feeling confident about interacting with people who are adopted is necessary.

Who is up for the challenge to consider your points of views? How you were/have been informed?  Where your ideas came from?  And how your comfortable ways of thinking and behaving may have devastating results on others.

Up for the challenge?  I am here to encourage you, support you, educate you, and ROCKYOURWORLD!  

And So It Begins.....

One year ago today began the last seven days of waiting.  We boarded a plane to Peru to push through the final document necessary for meeting our daughters, with no set union date.......
On our 27 month journey through paper pregnancy, it was music that spoke to me, comforted me, and gave words to thoughts and feelings that I held so close to my heart.  It was with those words the tears would flow, and I mean flow.  There is freedom in labeling a thought or feeling and taking action.  Some old and some new songs have been instrumental in our first year as a family.  Lyrics have given me HOPE and TRUTHS to hold on to when times were less than ideal. 

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever

Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God

You do not faint

You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need

You lift us up on wings like eagles

When I hear or sing this song I get chills up my spine at the resounding TRUTH of these words.  As we prepare to celebrate our 1^st FAMILY DAY” (some call it Gotcha Day, others call it Adoption Day) and I reflect on this past year, I can visualize scenes in my head and almost feel the emotions of times when I know that I know that I know that it was the supernatural strength and love that rose within me and brought our family to today.

We have had some really fun times as a family of four.  We have also had some very difficult moments as a family.  “You are the defender of the weak” makes my heart pound as I recall walking through the armed guard and locks to see my girls for the first time, behind bars waving to us as we entered the compound that was their home for 6 years.  Reflecting on the story of our journey and there are multiple ways the words defender of the weak become so vivid in my mind.  We were all weak.  Our daughters were orphans and He brought them into a family, but Ben and I were weak in our own strength and He provided abundantly in those times especially, and continues to provide.  The comfort and love from so many people, close friends, acquaintances, former co workers, family, a little note, a phone call, a piece of mail, a meal, a hug, meeting real needs in real time.  What an AMAZING testament of comfort God provided through people for our family.

Our need for God to care and provide for us over this last year especially has brought my understanding and experience of God to a whole new place.  I have come to know and experience a God who is GREATER and BIGGER than I could have ever imagined plausible.  Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord!

You do not faint,You won’t grow weary…… He has not let me go.  At times I wondered how I would manage/cope/survive a presenting circumstance and before I knew it the pieces necessary for the moment were present.  My professional experiences have equipped me in ways only He knew I would need to know and advocate for the needs of my daughters. Not one position/job and circumstance has not been used.  In times of despair, there was a still small voice that reminded me this was not happenstance and that He promised strength for today.  Although at times I thought it was not enough, it was enough for the time, just I would have liked MORE.

Our hope, our strong deliverer- The pain of abandonment must be the rawest emotion a human being may ever experience.  It is fraught with loneliness, desperation, and fear.  It sends the message that one is unlovable and undeserving.  Although the pain is deep, we are seeing hope and healing, as the pain is acknowledged and new messages of love, and trust, and worthiness are experienced.  We believe He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of morning, festive praise instead of despair, as our daughters continue to rise up on wings of eagles.

Listening and Hearing

I LOVE horses.  Everything about being in the presence of a horse is soothing and energizing to me.  Almost everything, cleaning the stalls, picking the feet, grooming, riding, the smell of the barn, ok not the price.  It is the one thing I wish for more money for….. to ride.

My girls know that their mama loves horses.  They have pointed them out to me from time to time.  They have looked at pictures of me with horses, and they have made passing comments in context about possibly wanting to hang out with a horse “sometime in the future.”  The beauty of time, bonding, attaching, and wanting to be and do ALL things mom, my girls had declared they too LOVED horses.  It made me smile, it warmed my heart, it reminded me that they are LISTENING to everything I say.  In addition to the desire to be all things mom, an increase in language has made finding things we can connect over that much easier.  

Of course with the declaration that they too LOVED horses I capitalized on an opportunity that we had to hang out as a family with horses.  Of course we talked about what to expect and they raised their eyebrows at their crazy mom who regresses in age and becomes extremely giddy about spending time with horses.  We laughed, they laughed and then the day arrived. 

We arrived at the barn and the girls were each matched with a volunteer, sized for helmets, learned about how to greet a horse and the tools used for grooming, and finally got a picture of the horse assigned to each girls  

Julissa quickly declared that she hated horses and was not going to participate.  I HEARD what she was saying and I reflected it to her.  “Honey, I think you are feeling a little scared right now.” In my Julissa girls way she replied, “oh ma, I’m not scared this is just stupid.” Again, I reflected what I HEARD in her statement. (I’m scared and I don’t even know how to identify this feeling and surely you would not know what I feel.  If this is stupid I save face and, and, and.)  So I gently reflected again, sometimes when we are scared we think we don’t like things.  Its ok to feel a little scared or nervous.  I want to remind you that mom and dad would never bring you someplace that was not safe. I left it at that. 

We made our way to the horses and Johanna walked right into the stall, greeted her horse Squash and got down to business, her age, her experiences and her ability to trust us that these enormous creatures are gentle giants enable her to enjoy life.  

At the same time,  Julissa is just that much older, with experiences that make trusting a painful risk.  She began to use the word, “this is a little scary” or “I am scared, a little.” Then she agreed to stand at the door of the stall and watch me pick the feet, 

 she massaged the horse for 10 seconds and went back to watching as I groomed and chatted with her horse, Guinness.  She kept reminding me, “be careful mum, be careful.”  I assured her that I was and talked to her about each thing I was doing.  

By the time we were ready to lead the horse from the barn to the arena, she agreed to hold the end of the lead while I held close to the horse.  Half way to the arena I lagged behind and she was doing it on her own with her volunteer.  It was exciting to watch her develop a small sense of comfort with the horse and trust that she was safe.      

By the end of our two hours she made her horse a treat and gave him a hearty patting goodbye. 

 I LISTENED to my daughter’s words and HEARD what she needed.  She needed help connecting to the feeling scared, to be reminded that her mom and dad would not bring her someplace that was not safe, and to be given the opportunity to experience and reconcile her feelings and experiences.  It was BEAUTIFUL to watch and I was/am so proud of my girl. Another positive experience, another connection to feelings, another opportunity to trust and feel safe, another step on the journey of healing.

Hearing the message in our children's words is critical if we desire to be a safe place for our children to heal and grow.

WE LOVE YOU JULISSA GABRIELLA COREY!

Where Have We Been?

I began this blog with the desire and intention to blog honestly about the highs, the lows, the unknowns, and the unbelievable of the journey of adoption.  I wanted to share what I often found lacking in blogs.  HONESTY!  What to really expect, that it is not a happily ever after fairy tale.  That adoption is a result of great pain and loss from a first family/ birth family. Rather a young mom, an impoverished family, abuse and or neglect that leads to an adoption plan being made, it begins with loss.  Adoption is about redemption and that loss does not define any child/person.

My desire was/is to protect the privacy of each of our daughters stories, sharing that while hard, difficult, or overwhelming the journey may be at times, the growth, the healing, the blossoming of a child is such a privilege to share in.

Well, I got stuck.  I did not want to share one child’s journey that is one of struggle and resistance. I did not  NOT want to share another child’s story of thriving, growing, loving, and trusting. 

The unintended outcome… no blogging only occasional status updates sharing glimpses of great joy with our friends on Facebook.  Loving our children on each of their healing journeys looks very different. The needs are vastly different and we are respecting the privacy of the difficulties of adjusting to life in a family.

It has been very clear to me that as we share our triumphs and joy and photos of one, we say nothing about the other.  One loves pictures while the other will not allow pictures.  It is unsettling not to share.  I will say we are fighting for our daughter.  We are doing everything we can in our human power and with much prayer as we continue on this healing journey.  We are holding onto HOPE that the One who created our daughter in the womb and knows her by name, knows all of her pain, is faithful.  That she will one day know her value, that our fight for her is just a glimmer of God’s love for her.  She is a talented girl full of potential and we will continue to navigate with her and for her.  She is NOT forgotten.