Today I am feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders,
or so it feels. I know the truth,
I know it is not mine to carry and yet when I try to let it go, it feels like I
may be letting go of something I might not know I am letting go of, and the
inner cycle begins again.
I am fighting for a child in a broken system. I am fighting for a child who believes
she does not want to be fought for.
I am fighting and fighting and fighting and the child I am fighting for
is vocalizing her intentions to undo and sabotage unless I conform to her
wishes and desires. I am fighting
confusion of where/when do you acknowledge you cannot change another person's will.
This battle I have been fighting is slipping through my
hands. The troops I have rallied are thinning behind me. Some have picked up their support and
gone home, saying I don’t agree with how you parent this child, even though I
can not begin to imagine what it means to parent her. Some have said its her age, let her be, and scoffed at
me. Others want to remain in my
troop but don’t know their place, while others acknowledge that they will not
be moved and they will continue to pray for our family and our daughter. Even the professionals are thinning, losing hope that our daughter
will choose to be safe in our home, and can be a source of division for the remaining troops.
In my mind, surely when we said yes to adoption it meant
bringing siblings home to heal and grow in the context of our home. That we would love, care, teach and
provide the best possible treatment, education and opportunities. It is this mind that causes me to feel
the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Then, there is a child playing in my midst. Playing like it is her job. After all, I have told her that she is
a child and her job is to play, learn and grow. Not to worry.
Thankfully, she TRUST me and plays for hours processing the questions on
her heart and sharing the truths she holds dear with the “characters” she plays
with.
All in a days play, I have heard her say, "you are loved, and you are safe!"
"I am adopted too, my mom cried a lot, a lot when she was
waiting for me and she loves me. I will be her baby in her heart forever and
ever."
"A lot of children do not have families, when you are big you
can have a baby in your belly or you can adopt."
"It is ok you no like the rules, I am your mom and its my job
to teach you. I love you very much."
"You are smart and I am really smart too."
I have heard stories on how these special dolls came to the
world of adoption through demonstrations of physical abuse, choosing one child
over another, and children being thrown away.
I have watched time pass (years evolve in play) and been
introduced to characters who don’t have a family and observed, I mean eves
dropped on 3 more adoptions today. These characters joined a family and were told
they are loved and special.
I have been sought out to sort out sad feelings and to help
a child (doll) who changed its mind about its adoption. I was asked to help it
understand why choosing to be in a family is a good choice.
Finally, there is a doll who carries the name of a strained
relationship, who my daughter is caring for and vocalizing her inability to
understand why this doll/person is mean. Yet she continues to love and care for
her despite the behavior and confusion.
I am humbled and I am blessed. I am reminded daily by my girl how we are called to
live. She CHOOSES to love her
family, believes she is special, smart, safe, desired, and CHOOSES to care for orphans,
forgive and love.
Children from hard places have UNBELIEVABLE barriers to overcome. Some of these children lack cognition,
skill, resources, love, prayer and more.
Some have come from unthinkable places and unthinkable circumstances and
once they are safe they choose to accept little by little what it takes to
heal. Others find safety and
desire to heal and yet the trauma experienced literally injured their brains
and numerous other barriers that impede the journey of healing the heart.
Others come from difficult places and gain awareness of what it takes to heal,
grow and live in a family and desperately want to be part of a family-- yet
struggle with taking the necessary risks of trusting and loving. Like anybody else in life, there are
children who come from hard places, have the awareness of what their role in
healing a broken heart is, willingly and expectantly take what they like about
living in a family, yet still CHOOSE not to participate in a family.
Our daughters come from a hard place. One saw what life could be like if she
accepted and CHOSE to take the risk and let her heart be healed. She made that CHOICE, and I am pretty
sure I can tell you that day, and she NEVER looked back. The other has CHOSEN to take some
risks, and carefully picks and CHOOSES the parts of family she wants. We have
taken her to the best places for evaluations, treatment, education, support and
more. We have turned our lives
upside down trying to demonstrate our love, dedication and investment in healing her heart. We have been given
access to a highly sought after, very specialized provider (people come from all
over the world seeking this treatment) and the prognosis is promising,
attainable, and in fact she has a number of factors on her side that increase her
potential. She is a bright and
capable girl who has what it takes to heal her broken heart, and it has come
down to her needing to choose to want to heal. It breaks my heart for her, to hear her say, "I don’t want
to." I want the benefits of a
family that I love, but not if I have to take responsibility.
We CHOSE adoption and would CHOOSE it again. We knew that we were CHOOSING unknowns,
possible difficulties and more. We
CHOSE our daughters and have CHOSEN to fight with love and compassion despite violence, allegations, lost relationships, and isolation. Now we are being forced to acknowledge
that in all things, all people have a FREE WILL to CHOOSE, despite our hopes
and dreams for them. We are CHOOSING to love, care and provide for BOTH of our
daughters in a physically and emotionally safe home. We must CHOOSE what is best and difficult for ALL involved
before CHOICES are made for us because we CHOSE not to CHOOSE!
We covet your prayers.
We do not expect or believe anyone to understand. We are not seeking advice here. We are not
giving up on our daughter. Nothing
will ever change that she is our daughter. What we want for her is to live in our family in our home,
but she is intentionally CHOOSING to be violent and to stay out of our home. We want her to CHOOSE to continue to
heal her heart and accept all that God designed a family to be for her.
