Here is to another attempt at unveiling the romanticized idea of adoption and the "they lived happily ever after ending". It is NOT true with any individual or family, why, O why
would it be so with adoption when adoption is based on loss? And normal, what is normal?
Its about Onlookers. Defined by me as the people looking in at our family (and many other families who have adopted) through their own "normal" lens. A lens that does not include that of adoption. Life on the inside looking out through the lens of adoption reveals a VERY different perspective. The discrepancy in the focus of the two lenses leads to loneliness and isolation. The results is that the onlooker lens projects disdain for your parenting choices you make while looking through the lens that is adoption.
I would honestly adopt ALL. OVER. AGAIN! Sounds crazy to some, I know and I expect it. In hindsight I find it comical that we were asked to complete psychological testing before our homestudy could be completed.
Psychologicals because well, it was said that adoption for most families
is Plan B, or an after thought after biological children, as a way to grow
families, and well the most obvious if they have fertility issues. Yes, this is
what we were told by a very seasoned adoption social worker. There was no check box for other, and
please explain. Our desire to adopt was Plan A and it is a minority decision. We know what happens to minorities.
Our desire and passion to care for
the orphan, the poor and the oppressed is what brought us together.
We both had complete peace regarding this as our lives direction. We have never been in more harmony, in
sync, together, as when we made the multiple decisions along our journey to our
girls. It was AMAZING to
experience and the peace was like no other. It really was the beginning of the love that grew in our
hearts for our daughters. When you
are fulfilling your purpose in life, there is joy like no other.
Although our journey post adoption has been difficult, the pain does not give way
to regret, or "what if's". Why?
Because we are certain that we did not misunderstand all the signs that led us to our very daughters. From profession to employers and between states and circumstances, combined with multiple experiences of love,
justice, mercy and humility as a strong reoccurring theme at the core of the resolution. These events/circumstances could not
have been more happenstance perfectly orchestrated and have confirmed
for us that God knew exactly what each of our daughters needed. Even people who don’t profess to
believe in God or His ways have said your story makes chills go up my spine, as
tears roll down their cheeks.
We are beyond thankful for the people and resources that have
rallied around us as we have journeyed two very different paths with our
daughters. We have had some of the best services and specialty services offered
along the way. We have graciously
accepted ALL of them, leaving no stone unturned. The journey speaks for itself as to the needs of our
family. The time, energy, cost, sacrifice, and pain is nothing we would ever desire to pursue without the great LOVE and BELIEF that our
daughters have the potential to heal, grow, love and to give. To give in ways that ONLY their stories
have prepared them for. We have
made it this far supernaturally.
Difficult? YES! Lonely? YES! Exhausting? You have no idea!! Costly? YES! Worth it? ABSOLUTELY!
Adoption in many circumstances is taking back lives that were
being destroyed. The cost is great
and I am not just talking financially.
In many ways the cost to adopt could be considered the least costly. Healing is hard work for the children and
the intensity required from parents to create a sense of safety where the child
can begin to trust and heal is no easy feat. It’s
a financial cost, an emotional cost, a time cost. An investment in a life that is valuable.
Creating a safe space is something that happens in most
families naturally. Children are
born into it, knowing nothing different. Naturally occurring in development, growing, exploring, learning,
trusting, and taking risks is “built in.”
It does not require parents to impose an often time unnatural structure so that a child can go back
in time and make their way through multiple developmental stages, while
learning that relationships are based on trust and respect not manipulation and
exploitation. There is nothing
"normal" about it and there is nothing "normal" about a child being abused,
abandoned, and left to survive on their own.
It appears from what our family, and many other families I know who have adopted, have experienced is that onlooker lens does not have the capability to view the complexities that adoptive families lens have been stretched to encompass. I would not expect it to. What I wonder is, if onlookers carefully consider all of the above in
the judgements they pass, the trite suggestions they give, and the contribution
to isolation that they participate in?
As I have been wrestling through the areas of my
life that I believed would benefit from being more plentiful, I
returned to my core values to evaluate.
Love, Justice, Mercy, and Humility. This is how I/we desire to live our lives, and it can only be more
plentiful if I surround myself with Love, Justice, Mercy and Humility. I am a work in progress even on the
days I feel as though I have digressed. It remains my desire.
Farewell onlookers, judgement, trite commments and isolation
will not find place in my life.
Your approval or lack thereof does not define me. God sees the real me, knows my heart
and loves me just as I am.
Friends, family, and community who have acknowledged, I have no idea what your life looks life on the inside, but I know you, I know your hearts desire and I support you. It doesn't have to appear "normal" for me to love you, embrace you, or support. WE SAY THANK YOU!
