Wading through this chapter of our journey, I find that at times I am overwhelmed with the magnitude of the injustices that have occurred within our family over the last 5 months and I feel like I am sinking. Those who are closer to our family know the intimate details and the pain we have endured. You do not need to know the details to know that any time one is wronged, bitterness, resentment and anger can and often do creep in. The greater the "wrong" the greater the chance that one can find themselves justifying being angry or bitter. I have never been so aware of this as I have over the last 3 months. In fact the awareness and the thoughts of what would happen to me if I allowed bitterness and anger to take root has paralyzed me. What can I possibly do and where do I began to protect my heart, soul and mind from wreaking the consequences when I can not even move.
How does one endure the evilness and corruption of people who abused power, a flawed justice system that failed us at every stop, bribes, lies, and deals. How do I make peace with knowing TRUTH will win and turn and walk away, not righting any wrongs, seeing that the lies, bribes and deals be uncovered and do nothing about the defamation of who we are as humans, parents and professionals.
There is no potential for a positive outcome in my attempts to uncover evil and corruption. It only serves to further torment me and deplete me of the little emotional energy I do have to give to my family. What I know and have experienced about grief is a deep fog, a separation of knowing and doing, and a sense of sadness even in moments of happiness. I am numb and will do anything to avoid reality.
In times of discomfort when words seem inadequate, music has helped me to make meaning. So much so that I have not been able to listen to music out of fear of completely unraveling. However, over the last few days I found myself humming a couple of choruses over and over, and so I turned to my friend, Pandora, to listen. As I listened, a familiar song played and the words gave me a sense of peace, possible resolution, and as I listened the sense of urgency I felt to pursue these words and find healing intensified. For a moment I believe I felt excitement at the promise of thawing my numb, facing reality and protecting my heart from bitterness, anger and resentment taking root in my heart.
At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have given me life
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
(portion of At The Foot of the Cross by Katherine Scott)
What I must do to heal, love, give and care is to lay it all down and LIVE OUT what wearing forgiveness like a crown looks like in 2013. Intentionally forgiving the people who abused their power, repeatedly lied under oath, bribed and lied to our daughter, defamed us as parents, and purposefully deceived to promote personal agenda's and denied us the freedom to live out our faith convictions as parents.
God, give me the GRACE I need to trust and pursue what You want for me. To CHOOSE forgiveness, not revenge, or my version of justice, to lay it all down, as many times a
