Four Months HOME..... tomorrow

Here it is the blog so many have waited for.  I will begin by saying I have started 4-5 posts.  I started.  I thought.  It felt personal. I did not want to risk exposing my girls in some of their most vulnerable times.  I did not want to portray reality on either side of the truth.  I stopped.  Repeat X 3 or 4.  I decided I would share when I was ready and could share not because well, people were waiting.  There I confessed.  Moving on.

Four months home and a lot has happened since I posted last.  The grieving, processing, reflecting and more have created a tighter bond, is building trust and continues to define our relationships as individuals, as siblings, as spouces and as a family. We have come so far.  We have come from a place that was full of fear for all of us, through the depths of grief to a place where we are thriving and not merely surviving.  Amazed at the beauty that is rising.

In May we celebrated Johanna’s 9^th birthday.  It was small, but fun.  It poured and poured and poured on her birthday.  She was DELIGHTED! Our worship leader from church was her guest of choice. The girls love Tim and are sure he is famous.

In June we finished up the school years and were pleased at the teacher’s reports of how impressed they were with the girls progress in just a short time.  The girls and I packed up and went to Maine to be with their cousins and family.  Ben joined us for a few extended weekends and we started seeing BIG changes.  The girls have gone from hanging out in the shallow end of the pool, holding on, to hand stands, swimming under water the length of the pool, diving, swimming to the bottom and having a great sense of confidence in the water!  It has been wonderful to watch them learn and grow.  Snorkle goggles bring a whole new element to learning to swim.  T

Ben served as pastor to a seasonal church in Maine for the month of July so we spent extended time with family.  We were blessed with some very reasonably priced tickets to Canobie Lake in Salem, NH.  What an AMAZING, UNBELIEVABLE day we had.  We went with no expectations and from walking around checking out the rides, to the girls going without a parent then to their own rides.  How fun to see our girls enjoy themselves on one of the hottest days of the summer.  We ended up being in the park for 9 hours.  CRAZY I know.  The girls went on multiple rides multiple times.  No lines make for even more fun.  Grammy joined us for the day. She can attest to the AMAZING day we had.  The girls were perfect and really excited about their day. 

After Canobie the girls and I returned to Maine for more time with their cousins.  This time was been monumental as they grew and embraced what it means to be part of a family.  I have laughed with my sisters as we have watched the relationships and level of comfort grow between the cousins.  The girls and boys pester one another, tattle, and then back to best buds in no time flat.

In the midst of these trips to Maine, Canobie Lake, meeting new people, and more we have been very pleased with both girl’s abilities and desires to transition, manage and cope.  We planned for transition time and upon our first return from Maine, the girls jumped out of the car and grabbed bags and unpacked and participated in settling in.  They never skipped a beat.  We have learned new things about both girls and where they require more support, what we might expect at various times, and how to best support them.  We have watched as they use their newly learned coping skills with us, others, and each other.  It is a gift to watch as they experience success when they use what they have learned.  You can almost see the click and the light insides their hearts and heads.

Julissa’s English is exploding.  She understands most everything in context and is incorporating new words into her vocabulary all the time.  We find ourselves commenting to one another when we hear them speaking to each other in English.  Johanna is beginning to settle in new ways and has begun processing aloud about the things she notices that are different or missing from Peru.  She is concerned about forgetting some words in Spanish. 

Johanna adores Saige and cares for her in every way.  Johanna had a difficult night one night and Saige visited with her two times in the night.  It is just so sweet to see the two of them.  Definitely melts my heart.  Julissa has come to a place where she finds herself forgetting to not like the dog and advocates that we not leave the dog behind when we leave.  Saige is fabulous with both of them. 

August means summer vacation is more than half over. We will continue to work on English formally and informally.  We will swim more, spend time with friends, and close out our summer with a BANG as both girls will be in Tia Sarah’s wedding.  We have their dresses and shoes and have talked a lot about what an honor it is to be in a wedding.

Sorry no photos.  Married to a photographer and he has all the photos on his Mac.  My computer died and I am using an old PC to do basic things.  Hoping he will post photos here soon. 

So many moments have occurred.  Much healing occurs in those moments.  So thankful to experience the high moments that sustain us in the pain of the low moments. Thankful for family and friends who have prayed for us, listened to us, encouraged us in our presence and in our absence. 

As we said goodbye to our pediatrician today, he shook our hands and looked us in the eyes and said, “this child I see gleaming today is a different child than I saw 3 months ago, SHE IS NEW!”  

G-R-I-E-F Part ll

So I intended to follow up with part ll in a timely manner.  Yes you guessed it, some of the effects of grieving, like inability to focus, got in the way.  That's grief for you!

I want to acknowledge the kind comments, emails, etc that I received regarding this past post, and many others, but this last post in particular.  I share honestly and raw because it is consistent with my desire to encourage others to care for orphans in their distress, while sharing the unknowns and unexpected.  I want to help equip others and support others in their journeys.  This is very deliberate and thought out desire to encourage and promote the cause to defend the fatherless, even when it hurts or it is hard. 

As a clinician, Grief Recovery Specialist, adoptive mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend and more
I have encountered a number of events that have challenged me to take action and not hold on to myths that are in conflict with my natural state.  Adotpion is no different and I want to encourage others in their life journeys to take action in any area you might be grieving.

Grief Recovery is a fabulous institution/book about what grief is. HOW to RECOVER, and provides the framework in which to take these actions. Highlights the myths that time heals all pain, to grieve alone, to be brave/strong for others, to replace the loss, and keep busy, and don't feel bad.  more here.  I'll let you check it out.  I highly recommend it. 

Off to Take Action.......

G-R-I-E-F

What is GRIEF?  The normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.  There you have it, loss of any kind and its normal and natural! What's the loss some ask?  Let me share.  For the girls, their country, their friends, their caregivers, the orphanage, their school, life as they have known it for nearly six years. The loss of the dream of somebody, most often the mother or father coming for them. The loss of the biological family and the list goes on and on. "But they have so much more now", others say.  Defining more, better, different,  are all part of GRIEF too.  Adoption is a HUGE loss for children.  They don't always see, feel or experience the warm fuzzies others feel about the act of adoption.  In fact the GRIEF is so monumental that the reality of parents who love them, fought for them, exhausted every possible avenue for them, has no meaning.  The more in this case isn't what the ultimate wish was.  More does not fill the void of the loss of your biological family who abandoned you. More does not lessen the pain of the loss.  Better, yes they have parents, family,community, safety, security, and LOVE beyond measure and still the better does not lessen the pain of the losses.  Finally you have different.  Different is the desire or the dream for the outcome to be just what you waited, hoped and dreamed for.  Most of the time, different feels or appears attainable or realistic, yet different does not happen and the loss is still expereinced at 100%. Any time we have hopes, dreams and expectations left unrealized...... we GRIEVE!

Are you grieving?  Are you in a place of desiring different? Better? More? Chances are that you are given the fact that we GRIEVE over 40 various occurances in our lives from birth to marriage, to loss of a pet, job or loved one, to financial loss, you may be experiencing some level of GRIEF.  I know I am. 

We are GRIEVING.  Don't panic, don't worry, and please, please don't judge.  Remember, GRIEF is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.  What have we lost?  Well we went from just us, to just us with children.  That change is enough to grieve as we acclamate and adjust.  We talk about it and we may have even found ourselves mocking oursleves.  But we are grieving, the loss of the life we knew.  It is not bad, just different.  There you have it.  Different, different than what we were, what we knew.  Is it better?  Good thing that better is part of what you grieve because well, for better or worse, here we are and it does not change what we lost.  It's ok.  It's ok if you squirm with my honesty.  You waited so long and it was a painful journey, aren't you just glad you have them?  Good point and question.  Again, being with them represents the loss of what and who we were.  So there you have it again. Its normal and natural to grieve the loss of what was for better or worse, different, better or more. What I am realizing is that I/we spent alot of time preparing ourselves to have no expectations, that we did not really explore or give creedence to our hopes and dreams for our new life as a forever family.  Not bad, not sad, just honest.  What I/we are grieving are some of the hopes and dreams we had that are not, have not, and may never be realized.

What are some faces of GRIEF (look/feel like)?  Feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, anxiety, changes in appetite, sleeping problems, illness or other physical problems, disorganization, inability to concentrate or make decisions, or low energy.  These are just a few and no I am not feeling all of them.
  
What has to happen for the GRIEF to end? Well it is about taking action!  It is not about time. The actions I am taking are the beginning steps.  Discovering and completing what I have wished to be different, better, more and the broken hopes, dreams and expectations. I have known I was grieving and in fact I planned for it.  Yes, I planned for it even before we left.  WHY?  Well I am very aware of GRIEF and how it lurks and effects people.  I have read lots and lots of blogs and watched as women journeyed through adoption and wrote about someof the faces of grief, but NEVER named it.  Finally, it is normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind, even when its as B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L as adoption. 

So now that I have discovered that my grief is about broken hopes and dreams I will take action to complete the grief work.

How does one "complete" grief?   Next Post.

Easter Weekend

Easter Sunday will make it 3 weeks home and this Easter weekend I am experiencing and celebrating in a new way.  What a beautiful time to learn about love, forgiveness, and redemption.  What an amazing joy it is to know redemption and to be part of the journey of redemption. 

As we began to talk about Easter our Julissa began to share with us the things she knows about Jesus.  She is a bright girl and has a sensative spirit under what appears to be a hard exterior.  As we share I am reminded that the exterior I have experienced is becoming less and less as she reaches out to me and as I see her "work with me" in difficult moments.  The HOPE for healing, restoration and forgiveness that I see in my daughter's heart brings me to tears as I see that even after all she has expereinced she holds onto HOPE and FAITH in a God that loves her so much HE suffered much for us. 

Julissa and Ben talked about the movie Passion of the Christ.  Julissa has seen it, and it was clear that she had, by the details she provided for Ben.  She then asked if we could go and find the movie and watch it every year as a tradition.  Umm. Well. What do you say?  A child who has seen a movie about truth.  That is violent.  The truth of the price He paid was violent.  So we disclosed we had the movie and decided that we would allow her to watch it after dinner.  She arrived at the dinner table in her pajamas so that we would waste no time after dinner.  As I entered the living room with her popcorn, a napkin, and water with ice, she looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you Mama."  I have had a few quick I love you toos, but this was the first initiated by her. 

As many of you know our time in Peru was beyond difficult after our inital 4 days.  We spent 3+ weeks in what at times felt like we were drowning.  Sending emails to people begging for prayer.  Prayer for wisdom, peace, clarity, hope.  We experienced some scary moments, hours and days. I thought I didn't expect this to be comfortable or rewarding, BUT I NEVER dreamed or imagined it would be like this.  What have we done? What if this doesn't change? What if this is it? How will we do this?  As I questioned, prayed, processed in the midst of the turmoil and chaos, I had a peace in my heart that I could not deny.  I was reminded that we CHOSE to follow God's heart and care for the orphan.  That this was NOT AT ALL about ME!  Ben and I would remind each other of our core beliefs and conclude each time that God would give us the strength we needed each minute, each hour, each day, each week, each month.  That this is how we should live our lives anyway and that there we no promises of fun or feel goods.  I prayed to LOVE my daughters like He loved them. My love is limited and I although its ugly, I must admit my love is jaded by what I might get out of it.  God was faithful, through many prayers of others who joined us, to remind me and give me the patience to treat and love our daughters for the treasures they are to Him, with NO EXPECTATIONS of a return.  I tell you, I knew it.  I knew I was functioning beyond my limits as I literally cried out to God to use me to LOVE on these girl. 

In our two year plus long process I discovered a blog with a quote that spoke to me in many ways.  Derek Loux, (who was killed in a car accident on his way back home from a human trafficing conference) said this about adoption.  "My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."  This statement became intensely REAL!  “This is Redemption. It cost Him everything. And at the end of it all, I have nothing to give Him. He did it for me out of His love. This is redemption."



Johanna keeping Kiki (the dog that belongs to the family Tia Tarsha works for) contained.



On this morning Johanna spent lots of time cuddling.  Mama got some too.

The beauty here is that our daughters made gifts for Papa, Mama and Saige.  Saige happily wore her bracelet.

Julissa and I had a fun time at the salon.  Her first time at a salon.  She was visibly excited.  She exclaimed, I love mama's hair" At which time she expressed her desire to have the same hair cut.  A very special time of bonding for the two of us.

Today Julissa asked me to take this photo. 

She is warming up.  It is not everyday that I can capture a photo.

Living out the journey of redemption is not easy.  Our daughters have experienced so much pain and suffering.  So much loss.  So many lies.  They have survived by fighting.  Fighting to get their basics needs met.  They have lived their lives in a constant state of fear. Our daughters have not experienced relationships, unconditional love or trust. As we enter their lives we can not expect them to trust, love, appreciate, or respect us.  We need to keep them safe and demonstrate relationship, unconditional love, and how to trust. Over time (we have began to see glimpses) they will learn they dont have to fight to get their basic needs met.  They will learn the difference between needs and wants.  They will learn what love is.  They will learn to trust.  Until they learn and experience more, we will draw from our own experiences of redemption.  Easter weekend is a time to reflect, but through the gift of adoption I am reminded daily that loving others, serving others, giving to others, and rejoicing with others (with no expectation of a return) is the journey of Easter that we benefit from daily.

Beauty of Community

We had a great weekend.  We continue to see progress with both girls.  Remembering to stop and look at each interation/circumstance and CHOOSE to see how it evolved from a previous time is really important. Focusing on the gains made regardless of the level of difficulty of the interation.  I find that as I daily ask for wisdom, that I am given the patience to endure the difficult interactions and celebrate the gains.  If we do not celebrate the gains, well we will forever be waiting for the perfect children.  Those perfect children that NO family will ever have.  Perspective, it is a daily choice.

Our days, nights, and now 2 weeks home have been filled with LOVE from our communities.  What a BEAUTIFUL design community is when it happens.  We have been filled up with the love, commitment, prayers, meals, tokens, gifts in various forms, notes, emails, comments on our blog and more.  We are beyond grateful for the intentionality of others to pour into our daughters lives through us. 

Yesterday, we had a WELCOME HOME party at our church.  It was low key, with a wonderful spread and plenty of space.  Thank you Melissa and Teri (and Tarsha too) for planning this for our family.  We love our Life Community and extended church family. Thank you for your outpouring of love and prayers.  To have you all standing with us and reaching out to us, has been a HUGE answer to prayer.  God sure knew what He was doing and what we would need when we found this community. 

After the party the girls were not ready to say goodbye to their counsins.  Oh how they love their cousins and how their cousins love them.  My sweet niece and nephews have been ever present on our journey to their counsins.  They would ask when they saw us, Hannah and Liam would call for updates on when they were coming home.  To FINALLY have them home is a reality that they just can not get enough of.  Thank you Liam, Hannah, Isaac, and Drew for loving your cousins long before they were home and loving on them in ways only children can.  You are ALL AMAZING! 

So, after the party we moved to our home and well, quickly made our way to the Corey Families favorite place.  The BEACH!!!!  The tide was out as far as I have ever seen it.  Some of us had water boots, some of us had bare feet, while others of us were a little less prepared.  But the shoes on our feet, did not change the fun had by all.  Even Tio Ryan found himself turning over rocks for crabs and other creatures.  Isaac took the prize with his find of a REALLYBIG crab.  The screams, squeals, and screaches could be heard from a distant.  Isaac's excitement was appreaciated by all.  If you didn't know who found it, one might think they ALL found it.  Love to share the exitement and JOY the beach has brought our changing family for months.  The connection it has provided for our little family of four and the JOY of sharing it with loved ones. 

What Is Happening

Our week has been full.  Grampa Corey took us to the aquarium on Wednesday and it was great fun.  Thank you Grampa Corey and Michelle for the great day.

I find that as we are go along in our days things appear and feel "normal" and then we find ourselves suddenly thrust into a different world.  We attempt to go there, figure out whats happening, meet needs, teach, and learn.  These times zap our energy and well at times catch us off guard and we find oursleves looking back to see what happened. As I chat with friends who have journeyed before me I am encouraged to hear that this is not uncommon.  It is hard to share the rough times so publicly, yet I dont want to paint a picture that the road is always smooth. So some days good things happen and there are things to share, but the energy to write is nowhere to be found. With that said, we are making some great gains.

My daughters are warming up to me and my role as mama, caretaker, and provider.  This is helpful when times are tough.  Having a little bank of deposit to withdraw from makes regrouping from the tough moments a little easier.  Over the last 2 weeks we have watched the girls response change as they have had my undivided attention addressing their basic needs has been beneficial.

This week I had the opportunity to spend an hour in the pool with my big girl.  We spent the first half playing close to the stairs where she could touch the bottom and asked me to do demonstrate different things.  The second half she ventured out with me and allowed me to help her swim and touch the bottom where it was over her head.  This was great time for the two of us.  I received many kisses that evening.

So many things are first.  Cooking, having a dog, seeing the rain, a woman driving a car, leaving the house, new foods, having the phone to call papi from your room, swimming in an indoor pool, seeing the laundry wash and dry, so many things, at times we are not even aware.

Julissa is understanding more and more english everyday and she tries new words.  I am so proud of her.  She mimics me at random times and makes me laugh.  Like when she was ready to go and she blurts out clear as day, "Come on, come on Johanna, lets go!" I laughed right out loud and she was so proud of herself, she reached out and gave me a high five. Really, have I been caught saying this to two peruvian girls that require triple the time of their mother to prepare to leave the house? Perhaps. 

Tonight we skyped with Ernesto, the manger at Inka Frog who was so good to us.  He told us the staff has asked several times for us and asked how we are doing.  The girls were excited to chat with him and share whats going on here in the states.  It was great to hear them share with Ernesto.  We learned a few things.  Julissa reports the music at church is crazy!  Crazy good, not bad.  She went on to give him details, like one of the musicans is papi's friend.  Tim Reeder, your ability to play the guitar impresed our daughter and made sitting through a service in english worth coming back for.  We recognize it is so different than what they have been exposed to and in english. 

Back to church tomorrow and looking forward to our Welcome Home Fiesta in the afternoon. 

Thank you for the prayers, support, meals, notes, gifts of time, and acts of service.  We are so thankful for each one of you! 

Grampa Corey & Michelle

Today Grampa Corey and Michelle came to meet the grand daughters.  Thay arrived mid afternoon, visited for a little bit, then to check in at their hotel and came back for a quick dinner.  Both girls were eager to help me clean up from dinner to get us out of the house and to the hotel  it was time for us all to go to the hotel pool.  Nearly an hour and a half in the pool, playing monkey in the middle, swimming and trying out the hot tub.  It was great fun.  The girls enjoyed their time and were in no hurry to leave.  Grampa and Michelle appeared to be enjoying themselves as well.  I'll let you see for yourselves.



Monkey in the middle




Johanna showing her tue jokster self......



The hot tub was just too hot for Julissa



Grampa Corey & Michelle, thank you for your visit.  We had a great time tonight and are looking forward to our day tomorrow.

Having family come and visit and get to know the girls in a familiar place has been wonderful.  We live 1.5 to 3 hours away from our family but appreciate the effort and understanding of the importance of coming to the girls during this time.

We have enjoyed some great meals, snacks, and treats from gracious family and friends.  We can not say thank you enough for loving on our family!