ONLOOKERS LENS

Here is to another attempt at unveiling the romanticized idea of adoption and the "they lived happily ever after ending".  It is NOT true with any individual or family, why, O why would it be so with adoption when adoption is based on loss? And normal, what is normal?

Its about Onlookers.  Defined by me as the people looking in at our family (and many other families who have adopted) through their own "normal" lens.  A lens that does not include that of adoption. Life on the inside looking out through the lens of adoption reveals a VERY different perspective.  The discrepancy in the focus of the two lenses leads to loneliness and isolation. The results is that the onlooker lens projects disdain for your parenting choices you make while looking through the lens that is adoption.

I would honestly adopt ALL. OVER. AGAIN!  Sounds crazy to some, I know and I expect it. In hindsight I find it comical that we were asked to complete psychological testing before our homestudy could be completed. Psychologicals because well, it was said that adoption for most families is Plan B, or an after thought after biological children, as a way to grow families, and well the most obvious if they have fertility issues. Yes, this is what we were told by a very seasoned adoption social worker.  There was no check box for other, and please explain. Our desire to adopt was Plan A and it is a minority decision.  We know what happens to minorities.   

Our desire and passion to care for the orphan, the poor and the oppressed is what brought us together.  We both had complete peace regarding this as our lives direction.  We have never been in more harmony, in sync, together, as when we made the multiple decisions along our journey to our girls.  It was AMAZING to experience and the peace was like no other.  It really was the beginning of the love that grew in our hearts for our daughters.  When you are fulfilling your purpose in life, there is joy like no other.

Although our journey post adoption has been difficult, the pain does not give way to regret, or "what if's".  Why? Because we are certain that we did not misunderstand all the signs that led us to our very daughters.  From profession to employers and between states and circumstances, combined with multiple experiences of love, justice, mercy and humility as a strong reoccurring theme at the core of the resolution.  These events/circumstances could not have been more happenstance perfectly orchestrated and have confirmed for us that God knew exactly what each of our daughters needed.  Even people who don’t profess to believe in God or His ways have said your story makes chills go up my spine, as tears roll down their cheeks.

We are beyond thankful for the people and resources that have rallied around us as we have journeyed two very different paths with our daughters. We have had some of the best services and specialty services offered along the way.  We have graciously accepted ALL of them, leaving no stone unturned.   The journey speaks for itself as to the needs of our family.  The time, energy, cost, sacrifice, and pain is nothing we would ever desire to pursue without the great LOVE and BELIEF that our daughters have the potential to heal, grow, love and to give.  To give in ways that ONLY their stories have prepared them for.  We have made it this far supernaturally.  Difficult? YES! Lonely? YES! Exhausting? You have no idea!!  Costly? YES! Worth it? ABSOLUTELY! 

Adoption in many circumstances is taking back lives that were being destroyed.  The cost is great and I am not just talking financially.  In many ways the cost to adopt could be considered the least costly.  Healing is hard work for the children and the intensity required from parents to create a sense of safety where the child can begin to trust and heal is no easy feat.  It’s a financial cost, an emotional cost, a time cost.  An investment in a life that is valuable.

Creating a safe space is something that happens in most families naturally.  Children are born into it, knowing nothing different.  Naturally occurring in development,  growing, exploring, learning, trusting, and taking risks is “built in.”  It does not require parents to impose an often time unnatural structure so that a child can go back in time and make their way through multiple developmental stages, while learning that relationships are based on trust and respect not manipulation and exploitation.  There is nothing "normal" about it and there is nothing "normal" about a child being abused, abandoned, and left to survive on their own.

It appears from what our family, and many other families I know who have adopted, have experienced is that onlooker lens does not have the capability to view the complexities that adoptive families lens have been stretched to encompass.  I would not expect it to. What I wonder is, if onlookers carefully consider all of the above in the judgements they pass, the trite suggestions they give, and the contribution to isolation that they participate in? 

As I have been wrestling through the areas of my life that I believed would benefit from being more plentiful, I returned to my core values to evaluate.  Love, Justice, Mercy, and Humility.  This is how I/we desire to live our lives, and it can only be more plentiful if I surround myself with Love, Justice, Mercy and Humility.  I am a work in progress even on the days I feel as though I have digressed.  It remains my desire.

Farewell onlookers, judgement, trite commments and isolation will not find place in my life.  Your approval or lack thereof does not define me. God sees the real me, knows my heart and loves me just as I am.  

Friends, family, and community who have acknowledged, I have no idea what your life looks life on the inside, but I know you, I know your hearts desire and I support you.  It doesn't have to appear "normal" for me to love you, embrace you, or support.  WE SAY THANK YOU!

Finding Healing

So much has happened since I last shared.  We have been praying for a miracle.  Many have joined us in prayer and support as we battle for our daughter.  Praying that she would have a heart change.,  decide to accept what is best for her now and in the future, for her to hear truth, receive truth, and choose truth. 

After an unedited conversation with my daughter when I decided that I had nothing to lose.  That night I received a call that sounded like her sharing heartfelt truths that she had chosen to accept and believe. One day turned into three that turned into more giving us reason to believe that our daughter is pursuing her family for the first time. 

We have made some great strides.  We are on a journey, we have not arrived, BUT, I do believe we have turned a corner.

 Tonight we sat down and looked at pictures from our time in country for the very first time.  It was a positive experience reflecting on some times we had, particularly our initial meeting and time in region.  We laughed some, had some serious moments, and I learned more about my daughters.  The pictures had a theme with one little girl and a bigger girl who were with me in most of the pictures at the orphanage.  One recalled, “I was so jealous when she sat on your lap, I was fighting her for you and I won, forever and ever!  The other recalled, “oh mom she really liked you and she wanted you to be her mom too.”  I believe there was some healing, more reminders of what was desired, more love, more bonding, and an overwhelming sense that everything is going to be alright.

Look what we found.  The only pictures of the girls before we were united.  

This is the first picture that was taken of them at the orphanage.

  This photo was taken the year Ben & I met.  We had no idea our daughters were waiting.

Middle is my girl.  The girl can DANCE!

Thank you for your prayers, words of encouragement, hugs, emails, calls, text, etc.  They have been a lifeline for us.  We hope you continue.

CHOSE, CHOOSE, CHOSEN and CHOOSING

Today I am feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, or so it feels.  I know the truth, I know it is not mine to carry and yet when I try to let it go, it feels like I may be letting go of something I might not know I am letting go of, and the inner cycle begins again.

I am fighting for a child in a broken system.  I am fighting for a child who believes she does not want to be fought for.  I am fighting and fighting and fighting and the child I am fighting for is vocalizing her intentions to undo and sabotage unless I conform to her wishes and desires.  I am fighting confusion of where/when do you acknowledge you cannot change another person's will.

This battle I have been fighting is slipping through my hands. The troops I have rallied are thinning behind me.  Some have picked up their support and gone home, saying I don’t agree with how you parent this child, even though I can not begin to imagine what it means to parent her.  Some have said its her age, let her be, and scoffed at me.  Others want to remain in my troop but don’t know their place, while others acknowledge that they will not be moved and they will continue to pray for our family and our daughter.   Even the professionals are thinning, losing hope that our daughter will choose to be safe in our home, and can be a source of division for the remaining troops. 

In my mind, surely when we said yes to adoption it meant bringing siblings home to heal and grow in the context of our home.  That we would love, care, teach and provide the best possible treatment, education and opportunities.  It is this mind that causes me to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Then, there is a child playing in my midst.  Playing like it is her job.  After all, I have told her that she is a child and her job is to play, learn and grow.  Not to worry.  Thankfully, she TRUST me and plays for hours processing the questions on her heart and sharing the truths she holds dear with the “characters” she plays with. 

All in a days play, I have heard her say, "you are loved, and you are safe!"

"I am adopted too, my mom cried a lot, a lot when she was waiting for me and she loves me. I will be her baby in her heart forever and ever."

"A lot of children do not have families, when you are big you can have a baby in your belly or you can adopt." 

"It is ok you no like the rules, I am your mom and its my job to teach you. I love you very much."

"You are smart and I am really smart too."

I have heard stories on how these special dolls came to the world of adoption through demonstrations of physical abuse, choosing one child over another, and children being thrown away.  

I have watched time pass (years evolve in play) and been introduced to characters who don’t have a family and observed, I mean eves dropped on 3 more adoptions today. These characters joined a family and were told they are loved and special.

I have been sought out to sort out sad feelings and to help a child (doll) who changed its mind about its adoption. I was asked to help it understand why choosing to be in a family is a good choice.

Finally, there is a doll who carries the name of a strained relationship, who my daughter is caring for and vocalizing her inability to understand why this doll/person is mean. Yet she continues to love and care for her despite the behavior and confusion.

I am humbled and I am blessed.  I am reminded daily by my girl how we are called to live.  She CHOOSES to love her family, believes she is special, smart, safe, desired, and CHOOSES to care for orphans, forgive and love. 

Children from hard places have UNBELIEVABLE barriers to overcome.  Some of these children lack cognition, skill, resources, love, prayer and more.  Some have come from unthinkable places and unthinkable circumstances and once they are safe they choose to accept little by little what it takes to heal.  Others find safety and desire to heal and yet the trauma experienced literally injured their brains and numerous other barriers that impede the journey of healing the heart. Others come from difficult places and gain awareness of what it takes to heal, grow and live in a family and desperately want to be part of a family-- yet struggle with taking the necessary risks of trusting and loving.  Like anybody else in life, there are children who come from hard places, have the awareness of what their role in healing a broken heart is, willingly and expectantly take what they like about living in a family, yet still CHOOSE not to participate in a family. 

Our daughters come from a hard place.  One saw what life could be like if she accepted and CHOSE to take the risk and let her heart be healed.  She made that CHOICE, and I am pretty sure I can tell you that day, and she NEVER looked back.  The other has CHOSEN to take some risks, and carefully picks and CHOOSES the parts of family she wants. We have taken her to the best places for  evaluations, treatment, education, support and more.  We have turned our lives upside down trying to demonstrate our love, dedication and investment in healing her heart. We have been given access to a highly sought after, very specialized provider (people come from all over the world seeking this treatment) and the prognosis is promising, attainable, and in fact she has a number of factors on her side that increase her potential.  She is a bright and capable girl who has what it takes to heal her broken heart, and it has come down to her needing to choose to want to heal.  It breaks my heart for her, to hear her say, "I don’t want to."  I want the benefits of a family that I love, but not if I have to take responsibility. 

We CHOSE adoption and would CHOOSE it again.  We knew that we were CHOOSING unknowns, possible difficulties and more.  We CHOSE our daughters and have CHOSEN to fight with love and compassion despite violence, allegations, lost relationships, and isolation.  Now we are being forced to acknowledge that in all things, all people have a FREE WILL to CHOOSE, despite our hopes and dreams for them. We are CHOOSING to love, care and provide for BOTH of our daughters in a physically and emotionally safe home.  We must CHOOSE what is best and difficult for ALL involved before CHOICES are made for us because we CHOSE not to CHOOSE!

We covet your prayers.  We do not expect or believe anyone to understand.  We are not seeking advice here. We are not giving up on our daughter.  Nothing will ever change that she is our daughter. What we want for her is to live in our family in our home, but she is intentionally CHOOSING to be violent and to stay out of our home.  We want her to CHOOSE to continue to heal her heart and accept all that God designed a family to be for her. 

Our Family Day

We had a truly FABULOUS FAMILY DAY & celebration.  See for yourselves.

Peru drinks.... pisco sour for tia y Inca cola for our peruanas!

Julissa with her favorite.... Arroz chaufer (peruvian chinese)

Johanna with carapulcra.... her fav

Others various peruvian dishes.  

Our Community life group kids.  So thankful!

One of our few family photos........ and yes  Johanna was being Johanna!

We had a fabulous time at Machu Picchu Boston with our Life Group.  The food was fabulous.  The service and hospitality were amazing and Rosy was beyond WONDERFUL to plan our very special day.  

We gave the girls each a silver keepsake heart with their names engraved and  a prayer for each of our girls for their lives.

Refreshers in Etiquette

I will post photos and share about our 1st Family Day.  However, it has been one of those weeks.  INTENSE, not even an adequate word to describe what living this week has been.  I'm not here to provide those details, I'm here to challenge ways of thinking.

How many ways are YOU in a family?

What defines a family in your mind?  Biological or Adoption?  Community or place of worship?  Friends when blood is far far away, place of work?  Is the ideal family blood and “the other kinds” alternatives?

Families are made up of many components.  Placing identification on the “types” can segregate people, it may suggest that there is a right/wrong, better or different, it does not include them.

Children (people) enter families through adoption, through support of friends, connection to a faith community, from a woman’s womb.  ALL people enter the world the SAME way.  All exit a womb.  What knits a child or person into any kind of family is NOT the method of delivery but LOVE!  LOVE is a CHOICE.

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.

Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.

Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.

Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

Rita Laws, PhD

Most of the time I equate statements and questions to a lack of understanding and use it as an opportunity to inform (educate) about what adoption is, Other times I think not so much, this requires more... “do you know what you just said?” Today is one of those times.

We have been through the:

"Don’t you want your own?” You mean biological. Love is a CHOICE and it is born in your heart. We intentionally CHOSE adoption. They are very much our own.

“BUT, don’t you want a baby?” Please think about what is prompting your question, is this about your desire for a baby or mine? Like I said, we CHOSE adoption. We chose Waiting Angels, older sibling group. I appreciate that you may want or have wanted a baby.

Here is a tip about asking a question.

What do you really want to know?

Are you wanting to start a conversation or know how someone feels about their new country?

Would you ask a child in a family that came from the womb of the woman who happens to be the mother?  If the answer is NO, well then, don’t ask.

Do you want to know about adoption?  Ask, use the word.  It’s not a dirty or shameful word. 

Stuck on what to ask?  Ask the parent.  I will talk all day about adoption. What it is like, what it means to follow God’s calling, I will tell you things that will ROCK your WORLD!  WHY?  Because it is what BREAKS God’s heart and it SHOULD break your heart too!  I will talk honestly, unashamedly!  In fact the first thing people who chose adoption agree to is to strip naked and uncover all your secrets, hurts, difficult circumstances, and promise to remain naked once your child/ren is home so that more reports can be written about how you parent.

I HAVE NOTHING to HIDE!  In fact there is something freeing about having nothing to hide.  It takes away pride, keeps you humble and dependent on God for strength for today.

I will come to your place of work, your community, your place of worship, your neighborhood, your home, your favorite hangout and answer any questions you have about adoption.  Adoption is based on loss, so knowing and feeling confident about interacting with people who are adopted is necessary.

Who is up for the challenge to consider your points of views? How you were/have been informed?  Where your ideas came from?  And how your comfortable ways of thinking and behaving may have devastating results on others.

Up for the challenge?  I am here to encourage you, support you, educate you, and ROCKYOURWORLD!  

And So It Begins.....

One year ago today began the last seven days of waiting.  We boarded a plane to Peru to push through the final document necessary for meeting our daughters, with no set union date.......
On our 27 month journey through paper pregnancy, it was music that spoke to me, comforted me, and gave words to thoughts and feelings that I held so close to my heart.  It was with those words the tears would flow, and I mean flow.  There is freedom in labeling a thought or feeling and taking action.  Some old and some new songs have been instrumental in our first year as a family.  Lyrics have given me HOPE and TRUTHS to hold on to when times were less than ideal. 

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever

Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God

You do not faint

You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need

You lift us up on wings like eagles

When I hear or sing this song I get chills up my spine at the resounding TRUTH of these words.  As we prepare to celebrate our 1^st FAMILY DAY” (some call it Gotcha Day, others call it Adoption Day) and I reflect on this past year, I can visualize scenes in my head and almost feel the emotions of times when I know that I know that I know that it was the supernatural strength and love that rose within me and brought our family to today.

We have had some really fun times as a family of four.  We have also had some very difficult moments as a family.  “You are the defender of the weak” makes my heart pound as I recall walking through the armed guard and locks to see my girls for the first time, behind bars waving to us as we entered the compound that was their home for 6 years.  Reflecting on the story of our journey and there are multiple ways the words defender of the weak become so vivid in my mind.  We were all weak.  Our daughters were orphans and He brought them into a family, but Ben and I were weak in our own strength and He provided abundantly in those times especially, and continues to provide.  The comfort and love from so many people, close friends, acquaintances, former co workers, family, a little note, a phone call, a piece of mail, a meal, a hug, meeting real needs in real time.  What an AMAZING testament of comfort God provided through people for our family.

Our need for God to care and provide for us over this last year especially has brought my understanding and experience of God to a whole new place.  I have come to know and experience a God who is GREATER and BIGGER than I could have ever imagined plausible.  Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord!

You do not faint,You won’t grow weary…… He has not let me go.  At times I wondered how I would manage/cope/survive a presenting circumstance and before I knew it the pieces necessary for the moment were present.  My professional experiences have equipped me in ways only He knew I would need to know and advocate for the needs of my daughters. Not one position/job and circumstance has not been used.  In times of despair, there was a still small voice that reminded me this was not happenstance and that He promised strength for today.  Although at times I thought it was not enough, it was enough for the time, just I would have liked MORE.

Our hope, our strong deliverer- The pain of abandonment must be the rawest emotion a human being may ever experience.  It is fraught with loneliness, desperation, and fear.  It sends the message that one is unlovable and undeserving.  Although the pain is deep, we are seeing hope and healing, as the pain is acknowledged and new messages of love, and trust, and worthiness are experienced.  We believe He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of morning, festive praise instead of despair, as our daughters continue to rise up on wings of eagles.

Listening and Hearing

I LOVE horses.  Everything about being in the presence of a horse is soothing and energizing to me.  Almost everything, cleaning the stalls, picking the feet, grooming, riding, the smell of the barn, ok not the price.  It is the one thing I wish for more money for….. to ride.

My girls know that their mama loves horses.  They have pointed them out to me from time to time.  They have looked at pictures of me with horses, and they have made passing comments in context about possibly wanting to hang out with a horse “sometime in the future.”  The beauty of time, bonding, attaching, and wanting to be and do ALL things mom, my girls had declared they too LOVED horses.  It made me smile, it warmed my heart, it reminded me that they are LISTENING to everything I say.  In addition to the desire to be all things mom, an increase in language has made finding things we can connect over that much easier.  

Of course with the declaration that they too LOVED horses I capitalized on an opportunity that we had to hang out as a family with horses.  Of course we talked about what to expect and they raised their eyebrows at their crazy mom who regresses in age and becomes extremely giddy about spending time with horses.  We laughed, they laughed and then the day arrived. 

We arrived at the barn and the girls were each matched with a volunteer, sized for helmets, learned about how to greet a horse and the tools used for grooming, and finally got a picture of the horse assigned to each girls  

Julissa quickly declared that she hated horses and was not going to participate.  I HEARD what she was saying and I reflected it to her.  “Honey, I think you are feeling a little scared right now.” In my Julissa girls way she replied, “oh ma, I’m not scared this is just stupid.” Again, I reflected what I HEARD in her statement. (I’m scared and I don’t even know how to identify this feeling and surely you would not know what I feel.  If this is stupid I save face and, and, and.)  So I gently reflected again, sometimes when we are scared we think we don’t like things.  Its ok to feel a little scared or nervous.  I want to remind you that mom and dad would never bring you someplace that was not safe. I left it at that. 

We made our way to the horses and Johanna walked right into the stall, greeted her horse Squash and got down to business, her age, her experiences and her ability to trust us that these enormous creatures are gentle giants enable her to enjoy life.  

At the same time,  Julissa is just that much older, with experiences that make trusting a painful risk.  She began to use the word, “this is a little scary” or “I am scared, a little.” Then she agreed to stand at the door of the stall and watch me pick the feet, 

 she massaged the horse for 10 seconds and went back to watching as I groomed and chatted with her horse, Guinness.  She kept reminding me, “be careful mum, be careful.”  I assured her that I was and talked to her about each thing I was doing.  

By the time we were ready to lead the horse from the barn to the arena, she agreed to hold the end of the lead while I held close to the horse.  Half way to the arena I lagged behind and she was doing it on her own with her volunteer.  It was exciting to watch her develop a small sense of comfort with the horse and trust that she was safe.      

By the end of our two hours she made her horse a treat and gave him a hearty patting goodbye. 

 I LISTENED to my daughter’s words and HEARD what she needed.  She needed help connecting to the feeling scared, to be reminded that her mom and dad would not bring her someplace that was not safe, and to be given the opportunity to experience and reconcile her feelings and experiences.  It was BEAUTIFUL to watch and I was/am so proud of my girl. Another positive experience, another connection to feelings, another opportunity to trust and feel safe, another step on the journey of healing.

Hearing the message in our children's words is critical if we desire to be a safe place for our children to heal and grow.

WE LOVE YOU JULISSA GABRIELLA COREY!